Category Archives: Feelings – Emotions

Says 216 – TRT (Torgue Release Technique) and emotions

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216-front-lines-of-skepticismWhen I was receiving this new Chiropractic treatment, I wanted to know more about this new TRT technique, so I did an internet search. Chiropractic is considered a form of “alternative medicine” that focuses on manipulation of the musculoskeletal system, mainly the spine. It was considered unscientific and a cult by the so-called medical establishment, due in part to its holistic and homeostasis approach to treating their patient. It was only recently that Chiropractic treatments began being accepted by some conventional doctors, and some elements of the medical ESTABLISHMENT.

So it was no wonder that what I discovered was both interesting and also disheartening. What I found interesting was that Chiropractic was now associating emotions with spine issues, and that had a direct link to the work I had been doing that I share in my books, that of dealing with FEELINGS and EMOTIONS. But, the proverbial but, besides the following quote, what was also disappointing was that almost every Chiropractic site I visited had the same dogmatic scripted text, all singing the same, “We agree with psychiatrists” tune. While the Chiropractic discipline was on to something, they completely re-railed themselves by buying into the present psychiatric mental health mumbo jumbo.

Mental health conceptHere is their “suck up” quote regarding to the medical ESTABLISHMENT. <quote> Research published in one of the most respected psychiatry journals showed dramatically increased success in reducing anxiety and depression levels, and improved measurements of wellbeing, when Torque Release Technique (“TRT”) chiropractic adjustments were received. <end quote>

And here is a link to the ESTABLISHMENTS’s MENTAL HEALTH approach to dealing with what are considered “negative” feelings and emotions.

Says 210 – The journey to feel and heal my Body

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says-210 drugsI previously mentioned in post 208, that I have begun working on healing another aspect of me, my Body. I’m not going to into all the trials and tribulations that I’ve gone through since my motor vehicle accident, but I will try to share what I’m going through as of now and the insights I am getting in this journey. One thing that I’ve noticed is that I have as much confidence in the various physical based medical professions in healing the various aspects of the Physical Body as I do with psychiatrists and psychologists in healing the Emotional Body, which, on a scale of 1 to 10, is a 1. In most cases they are fixated on treating the symptoms and not in finding and healing the underlying cause of the illness or injury.  In the case of Psychiatry, it’s the use of drugs or cognitive therapy, and for physical issues, it’s the use of drugs (pain management) or surgery.  Common medical theme for both… DRUGS.

says-210 soft_tissue_injuryAfter the car accident, I suffered a concussion, hearing loss, and massive soft tissue injuries to my neck, arms, shoulders, back, and legs. After 5 months of physio – therapy that almost left me crippled and months of chiropractic treatments and pressure point massages that only offered me short term relief, I was left to my own resources. It was almost 15 months after the accident, and after reading up on bone fractures and the “unknown” fact that they healed quicker than soft tissue damage, that the proverbial light came on, and I realized what the medical problem was, and why my Body wasn’t healing.

With a fracture, the injured part is immobilized for 6 – 8 weeks and then, and only then, do they begin the “gradual” increase in range of motion, flexibility and strength exercises. Dumbass medical professionals think that because there is nothing broken and you, “look ok,” that you should just into doing range of motion, flexibility and strength exercises all at once, and to go for it, with the idiotic no pain no gain attitude. That was the worst thing I could do as my body had numerous torn, stretched and compressed discs, ligaments, cartridge, tendons and muscles that had inflammation and needed time to heal and recover, not suffer more abuse.  Keyword – Inflammation. I then took a month off from doing any form of exercise just to let my Body begin to heal, but I did carry on with Chiro and the new deep tissue massage that I was recently getting from another RMT.

I should mention that I refused to take any pain killers and antibiotics as I have severe reactions and side effects to prescription and OTC drugs. It also doesn’t make sense to hide or dull the pain, and then go out and do something foolish and injury yourself even more because your Mind is numb to your Body’s pain.

To be continued…

Says 208 – Mental Health issues are NOT a Chemical imbalance

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says-208-mind<Quote> The Chemical Imbalance Theory Might Be Incorrect <end quote>

I’m posting this it relates to the work I’ve done that I share my books in addressing Emotional issues, and that it also supports my low opinion of the present psychiatric and psychology profession and the Mental Health industry, 

MAYBE…? It’s not a fucking MAYBE, it’s a fact, and has a lot to do with medical dogma  and the medical prostitutes (aka doctors) of the pharmaceuticals will deny it and keep pushing the DRUGS as long as they are getting paid. Medicine is not about healing, in finding and treating the CAUSE, but in treating the SYMPTOMS and getting and keeping CUSTOMERS, as that means more….. MONEY.

Of course the other issue is that the MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT and the so-called learned “professionals” that write the medical bibles, still believe that emotions are a MENTAL illness and related to chemical imbalances in the Body, that just so happens to be what the pharmaceuticals need to sell their poison and create customers. DAH! So are they just STUPID, or are they just pretending they are STUPID… ?

<Quote> “The cause of mental disorders such as depression remains unknown. However, the idea that neurotransmitter imbalances cause depression is vigorously promoted by pharmaceutical companies and the psychiatric profession at large.”<end quote>  (Source)

The second reason I’m posting this is that I’ve not been very active on my blog, due in part to a Motor Vehicle Accident I had back in 2014 Dec. 03. “So what’s the link?” you may ask. Well I’ve been working on healing another aspect of me, my Body, for a while, and after getting my books published, that journey began in earnest with the accident. What I’m finding is that the so-called medical establishment has just about as much knowledge about healing the body as they do about the Emotions and they generally treat them the same… with DRUGS…

 

Says 206 – Two parts of our brain

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Says 206 - Right and left brainI found this video You are two that discusses our left and right brain and thought I’d say a few words. Modern medicine and psychiatrists, would have us believe that only our Mind our left Brain, that which thinks, is the only part of our Being that matters as it is the master controller. They would also have us believe that our feelings and emotions are part of the Mind and therefor, under its control, just as is the Body. While there is some truth in that concept, it is also deeply flawed and inaccurate.

True, we have two parts to your brain… a left and right hemisphere. The left side controls speech, language, thoughts, ideas, logic and reason, while the right side is responsible for our intuition and knowing as well as our feelings and emotions and is also involved with our creative processes. What is important to recognize is that the right side of the brain can’t talk, and therefore, it needs the acceptance and cooperation of the left brain in order to express itself. That last sentence is crucial in understanding the dynamic workings of our Being and why we have the problems, fears and issues that we do. I’m not going to go into it here, but this is just to give you some food for thought.

Says 204 – Social Conformity & Programming

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Says 204 Social conformityHere is a disturbing link on Social Conformity and how easily we are programed to follow the crowd. Not wanting to be different, centered out, shunned, and not accepted, we all to easily just follow the crowd and in the process, become mindless Sheeple.  Afraid to ask questions or to be seen as different, aggressive or negative, we DENY and subdue our true expression and blindly accept the role that peer pressure dictates we play and act out, as if it were our own idea.

When you’ve seen that one, here is another link on The Power of the Uniform, and how we OBEY and follow orders without asking any real questions, or standing up for ourselves or others.

This programming starts with ones parents and their already programmed mind and the customs, traditions and religious beliefs they have. It’s also being pushed in schools, on TV, Radio, magazines, books, and just about anything that has to do with society.

Says 200 – The Root Cause of Addiction – Not !

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Says 200 - two people huggingThis article was posted by a friend on Facebook, and I was curious as to what it had to say, and why the statement…

 

 

Could the Root Cause of Addiction actually be a lack of Connection?

I watched the video and I have to say it’s a yes and no. It has some part truths, but they are mixed in with a whole lot of do-good hype, misinformation and unanswered questions.

The connection and bonding they are really talking about is basically just a quick fix. If the person that had developed this new “bonding” connection is suddenly separated from that SUPPORT, they would probably revert back to their old habit or addiction, or find a new one. As long as they feel wanted, needed and “loved”, they are fine, but to do that, it takes ANOTHER person or GROUP for them to feel that way about themselves. While this approach appears to work for half of the addicts involved, it’s only effective as long as they get the help they feel they want and need. Sometimes, all that is needed for a person that has nothing to cling to but hope, is to be given a chance to rebuild their lives. Sure, they have a job and are considered to be a useful member of society, but again, it doesn’t address the underlying issue as to why they became an addict in the first place.

Abuse and trauma are the same as a painful experience, and just because they are different words, that doesn’t diminish the effect they have on the person having the experience. People that don’t think they have had a traumatic or abusive experience have just denied and shut it out of their conscious mind. Just because you can’t remember, that doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen and is affecting your present experiences. It has been my experience that any so-called unpleasant experiences are directly related to unresolved past traumatic experiences. The cycle is only repeated as a means of a person being given the opportunity to feel and express what they never were allowed or felt they could during their original experience, that imprinted and programmed them to re-act as they do.

Says 197 – You are not your problem – NOT

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Says 197 - You are NOT your problem.. NOTWhen I see these types of meme’s being posted by people that believe them to be true, I know that they are ignorant and haven’t analyzed and felt the true implications of the statement, and that they are in denial of their issues. If that statement were a truth, then applying the most basic logic and reasoning to, “you are not your problem” would also apply to every living person on this planet. If you are not your problem, then by denial, you have to blame everyone and anything outside yourself as the problem.

What you are also doing with that belief is making your happiness dependent on another person, place, or thing. In other words, you are giving your power away as they now CONTROL you. Trying to fix the problem using that Belief System (BS) doesn’t work, no matter how hard you try, it is at best a “quick fix.” So if that doesn’t work, you need to do the reverse or the opposite to try to solve the problem by realizing that the problem is not outside yourself, but inside you. If pushing the door doesn’t open it, maybe pulling it will.

For the universe to make you aware of the issues you have chosen to heal by reincarnating, it needs to bring you experiences that will trigger and activate you. The problem is with your Mind that is still running on its old imprints, programs and beliefs, that until it is aware enough to desire to change, will just keep going in circles, trying to apply the same fuzzy and twisted logic that created the problem, in trying to fix it. With self-awareness comes self-empowerment, and until you choose to end your denials and look at you as being the problem to your issues, nothing changes.

Says 186 – Quick fix & Learn what doesn’t work

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186 - fill-the-emptiness-in-your-lifeFor all those that are wanting a “Quick Fix” to heal their emotions….. here is a link to four things you can do..         NOTE: I said QUICK FIX…
 
Before you can know what works, you need to know what doesn’t work. Like learning to ride a bike; you not only need to fall, but you need to have the desire to search for and understand the REASON you fell, and then APPLY that hindsight to your future experiences so see if indeed you solved your problem. If not, then you need to analyze the problem again and apply a different solution to see if that works.  If you don’t, guess what? ………  SSDD
Food for thought … or Not…

Says 185 – Denial doesn’t deter negativity

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185 Negativity is contagious - notI copied this from a Facebook post a friend made. It’s another example of how society thinks denial can solve the problems in their life.

You don’t get rid of those that are negative (reversed polarity – not loving essence) by keeping your distance, you get rid of them, or rather, they distance themselves from you when you confront them, by speaking your truth.. A simple, “what is your intent?” is enough to start this process.

     Food  for thought – or Not!

Says 181 – Love is not an emotion

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LOve is not an emotionContrary to popular opinion, Love is not an emotion. It is a energy, a frequency or vibration that can be felt by not just empaths, but by animals, plants and the Earth itself. Not all energy is loving  and unloving (reversed polarity) love energy seeks to close, compress and control, while Unconditional Love is open, expanding, and evolving. Love, is the essence of life, while denial of love seeks death.

This concept will put an entirely new spin on what you thought love is, and the words, “I love,” will take on a different meaning and dimension. Love with conditions, or when denial is present, is what we are presently experiencing in varying degrees, and is also why we have disease and death.  Ending our denials and expressing the truth is what will enable us to create the life we desire, and yet to dream, here on Earth.

Says 180 – Diet and lifestyle – the root cause of Anxiety?

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180 anxiety and dietYet another post on my facebook page that I disagree with .. Anxiety Drugs Cause Anxiety, Weight Gain And Even DEATH, This is How To Treat The ROOT Cause that was written by a holistic psychiatrist practicing in New York City.  He goes on to say that <quote> I think anxiety is first and foremost a physiologic disorder; that is, it’s a disorder of the body, not just the mind. <end quote

Anxiety is a mental/emotional issue, with the person either worrying about what happened in the past, or what will happen in the future. If the good doctor gave his hypothesis  more thought, he would realize that the issues related to past or future, have NOTHING to do with your diet and lifestyle.

However, there is a link in that the denied mental and emotional energy is stored in the Body, creating imbalance and disease, but the ROOT cause is not changing ones diet or lifestyle, but in finding and healing the root cause of ones anxiety. Changing ones diet and lifestyle will be at best, “a quick fix,” as the feelings and emotions will still be there.

 
 

Says 167 – Lesson in Life… Vehicle accident purpose – 2

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The second part of having the accident has to do with healing my body and my physical injuries. After my accident on Dec. 03, I was taken to the hospital and after an ultra sound and a few X-rays, I was released. On Dec. 05, I had an appointment to see my doctor that lasted all of three minutes. After a brief exam, she said to take it easy and to take Tylenol for any pain. Later she had her receptionist call me to say that my hearing issues were related to having a mild concussion.
For the next few days I suffered with my aches and pains getting worse, and I was only getting about three hours sleep . When I got my insurance claim forms I dropped in to the Doctors office to have them filled out so that I could begin to get physiotherapy or whatever I needed, and said I’d pick them up later. The receptionist informed me that I needed an appointment and that the earliest was on Dec. 12.
woman-doctor-24145108I saw the doctor on Dec. 12 and when I began telling her of the issues I was having, and showing her that I had little strength in both hands, she coolly asked me if I wanted to fill out the forms or discuss my issues. I said, “WTF!” and not in a polite way. I have a concussion, headache, loss of healing, whiplash, and other aches and pains and you give me this bullshit.” I then said that I had called a lawyer to begin proceedings for a pain and suffering claim. She interrupted me and said, we’ll do the form later, let me see your hands.
After an brief examination, she filled out a hospital requisition form for X-rays on both my hands and wrists as she said that I might have fractured or dislocated some small bones in my wrist. She also gave me a form to see about getting physiotherapy and massage for my whiplash and the other aches and pains. I have my first physiotherapy treatment on Monday Dec. 15 and I see her again on Dec. 18.

This issue is also related to the accident, but this time it’s about loving my Body and speaking up and NOT TRUSTING a so-called professional that you ASSUME is looking after your best interests. I need to take responsibility for how my Body feels and get the help I need to heal it regardless of what other people might say or think., or are offended by my directness.

Says 154 – The Death of the Altered Ego

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154 - The death of the altered Ego - NOT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is another picture/word message that I got off the internet. The original image words, “The death of the ego will be the beginning of your real life,” is a part truth. As you can see, I’ve “altered” the image (no pun intended.) 🙂

The following article is taken from my soon to be published second book titled, “My Journey – Three Levels of Healing – Feeling, healing and understanding.” The old “pre-published edition” can be downloaded ( free) from my website at http://shenreed.com/index.html

Our Ego has gotten a bum rap in that it’s our Ego that defines who we are. Our ego is unique; it separates you from me and all the others. The problem is not our Ego but our Altered Ego, altered by our imprints, programs and beliefs and by the many other voices (internal and external) that tell it that it must do this or that to either be accepted or to be in control. Little does the Mind realize that in listening to these other voices, that it’s being altered and controlled. The altered ego is the fake persona or personality that is in a position of power and control as it is not only in control of our Mind, but also the rest of our Being. It also strives to extend its influence and dominate the environment around it, be it people, places or things. The Altered ego is the individual that searches for acceptance and approval outside itself. It strives for success and recognition and defines who they are by their status, achievements, possession, wealth and power. There is also the opposite end where the individual will appear to be a powerless, helpless victim, but it is all an act in that by being considered a victim, they are actually dictating and controlling others around them.

The trouble is that while our Ego is altered, it is also disconnected from our Higher Self Spiritual source. Instead of communicating with our Higher Self, our Ego is being controlled by the unloving voices of the Inner Critic, guilt, shame and denied rage, to name a few. I’m sure that you’ve had several conversations with your Inner Critic when it is telling you what you should or shouldn’t do. Once you begin to end your denials, the inner voices also begin to be silenced and your Ego then begins to communicate with your Higher Self, and that’s when life gets interesting. Your Ego, your true self wants to free itself of the unloving grip of its old imprints, programs and beliefs and also of any unloving energy that has been, and is trying to control it.

154 - Tree in forestA rather simplistic way to look at our Ego is to compare it and ourselves to a tree. While a tree can be one of millions of similar species in a forest, it’s still unique and has its own consciousness. If it were to try to become another tree, to have a different bark, leaves or fruit, or if it wanted to be bigger or change its position, then there would be issues, not only for it, but also for the other trees in the forest that it would affect as it tries to control and change its environment. Another simplistic, but classic example of an altered ego can be found in the tale of “The Ugly Duckling,” by Hans Christian Andersen.

Says 153 – The Mind in Control

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Big HeadThis is a graphic and symbolic representation of how humanity has put value and emphasis of importance on the Mind and its thoughts and beliefs…

We are a Spiritual Being having a physical experience. We have four parts to our Being; Spirit (Mind), Soul (Will – intuition, feelings and emotions) Heart and then form or our physical Body, and although they are separate aspects, they are all connected and function as one. Presently, it’s the Mind that is in CONTROL of the other parts of our being, and as you can see, there is no BALANCE in that.

In order for balance to return, our Mind needs to stop being the dictator and let go of being in a position of power and in control of the other parts of our Being. To do that, it needs to let go of its old imprints, programs, beliefs and judgments of what is best for the rest of its Being. It needs to challenge its old beliefs, not defend them.

Says 152 – You can’t change how people treat you (BS)

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152 - You can't change how peole treat you- NOTI saw this picture posted on Facebook and felt I needed to make a comment. The words of this BS (Belief System) are a truth, but only as long as you are in denial and have chosen to remain the victim. Even though you no longer appear to re-act to what they say or do, that doesn’t mean that you are not being triggered. All it proves is that you’ve learned to be a better actor or actress. Being nice, kind, caring, sharing, understanding, co-operative, compromising, etc., to others when you feel pressured and controlled to do so, either by them or by your beliefs, is not loving to yourself or to them. There are countless reasons why people subject themselves to being the victim, but none are valid or loving to self. It’s important to note that the way people treat you is a reflection of the way you are treating yourself. Change yourself, and the outer reflection will also change.

Denying what is happening is not changing yourself, as it hasn’t addressed the underlying issues. Once you have intent to find and heal your issues as to why people treat you the way they do, you will change and will no longer be activated and re-acting, but will instead, respond to them in whatever way and manner you feel directed to oppose any such further abuse. Once you have stated your response in a honest and forthright manner, they will change and will no longer be attacking you, as they will have gotten your message loud and clear. Of course, they may no longer want to be your friend or whatever relationship they had with you, as you are no longer willing to be the victim and controlled by them. If that comment brings up issues, then that also needs to be addressed as that attachment is part of the reason you are a victim and being treated the way you are.

Says 122 – 2012-12-21 The end of the World

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End of world as we know itIt’s the beginning of the collapse of the system and the world as we know it, and
the beginning of a new world without the political and religious crap. What is happening now is that all the denials and shit is getting exposed and as it does, the system begins to fall and truth becomes the normal behavior…

Says 119 – Dumbed down Society – Frat boy mentality

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December 3 Monday, On Saturday night Paul was in his room smoking weed and playing loud music until just past 11:00 pm. On Sunday morning, he and his girlfriend went out for breakfast and when they returned they smoked up again. I was getting a headache and decided to get out of the house for a while. I went downstairs to put on my shoes and his girlfriend was vacuuming the carpet by the front door. As I put my shoes on, I sarcastically said to her that Paul must really have a sore hand today with all the pot that he’s been smoking. She looked puzzled at first but then got to gist of my words as he had told me he only smokes because his right hand hurts and has arthritis. After supper, they smoked another doobie. It’s like now that I’m moving out, he doesn’t care what he does . I’ve also noticed that when I’m around him and he knows he’s did something, like smoking weed in the house, he whistles or hums which is also a sign of being activated and in denial.

Today, a roommate that was returning from work brought in a hand-delivered letter that had been stuck in the front door, and put it on the kitchen counter. I glanced at it and saw that it was from the local hydroelectric company and had the word URGENT stamped on it in big red letters. It was addressed to the owner and in the lower right hand corner of the address box, I could clearly see the words arrears and disconnect in bold red letters. For him to get such a letter, he has to be a good 2 to 3 months behind in payment. A couple of weeks ago, it was the Internet that was cut off, and now this. That makes me wonder what else is he behind in paying, his mortgage?

It’s interesting that all this is happening as I’m observing that he has a self-centered frat boy mentality and only pretends to be interested in other people if it serves his purpose. While he has a construction type job where he says he is making $25.00/hour, he is just in it for whatever money he can make to help keep him in his life style. I assume that it’s not enough because he also has three room-mates that help pay the bills. What he really likes is just to have fun with his buds, get high, have some drinks, get laid, play sports, add bling to his car, and pretend he has all the money in the world. His girlfriend, that I’ve talked to and call Cinderella, is his lover and mother figure as she picks up after him and cleans the house, while he busies himself looking over his stuff. Besides smoking, he is also brushing his teeth in the kitchen sink again as well as dirty dishes in the sink and on the counter. l know he isn’t stupid, and that what he is doing or not doing is what he has learned and has gotten away with as being acceptable behavior and all this self-centeredness is compounded by the use of pot, hard liquor and beer that clouds his thinking, reasoning and problem solving abilities.

Says118 – Avoidance and the unseen role of Denial

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I saw a program on TV about a dog whisperer and during his interview, he used the word avoidance along with three other words, fight, flight and surrender that I often use to describe what happens when people get activated into their issues. While those three words describes their actions once they have been activated, it doesn’t describe how they are re-acting when they are not activated and that is where the word AVOIDANCE comes in. When he mentioned avoidance, it really struck a chord in me as it was another piece of the puzzle that I needed to see in a different light. With avoidance, there is also the use of lies, omission as well as outright denial. While I knew that avoidance was a form of denial, I’ve never really associated it with a three other reactions that people have when they are being activated or triggered. When he used the word avoidance, it became blatantly obvious that avoidance is the main method used to avoid having to face what you are denying and not wanting to face, because if you did, you would get activated you then react with the other three choices.

The avoidance I’m talking about isn’t running when you have been activated, but what you are doing and saying to avoid any situation that you know will activate you. Like when you have a fear of heights, water, knives, guns, fire, crowds, conflict, saying no, getting attention, public speaking, etc, and you avoid any experiences that will trigger that issue. There are countless ways and means to avoid things, from moving around or away from something or someone , procrastinating, deflecting, invalidating, keeping busy, using drugs, alcohol, work, sex, exercise, hobbies, crafts, TV, eating, and the list goes on and on. This avoidance also includes all the different forms of lies, omission and denial that a person can use to avoid an unpleasant situation and be activated. I never really felt how avoidance was linked to the unseen role of denial, but it hit home as I saw how I have been procrastinating and avoiding finishing my books.

Says 116 – The Word

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November 16, Friday. There are more phrases and words that are coming to my awareness, this time it’s the word “Word” itself. I remember a phrase in the Bible, (New Testament) that spoke of the word. I looked it up and it was – John 1: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

While I believe that the “word” is a key element of creation and creating what we desire, it’s not in the way that we think. I feel that the word is a combination of thought and feeling, and when spoken, given physical vibration, it manifests our desires. That doesn’t mean that all we need to do is to speak and express what we desire in order to create it, but that it also has to be felt, and that both the thought and the feeling have to be without any denial present, that includes expectation and that is where intent comes into play.
Spirit (our thoughts) is light and electric in frequency/vibration, while the Soul, our feelings and emotions are magnetic. This electromagnetic energy can be raised or lowered in frequency or vibration and has infinite possibilities. Our Body and physical reality that is of a lower vibration, is manifested from this electromagnetic energy. In our physical reality, this energy is stepped down in frequency to create dense physical matter like light, sound and even lower to create gases, water, animals, plants and stone.

While we commonly define frequency as cycles per second, like in the chart, it can be increased to range from (X) cycles / trillionth of a second and higher to infinity. On the other end of the frequency scale, it can be decreased to range to cycles per minute, hour, day, week, year, century, millennium, and beyond and also to infinity. Now how all this relates to the “Word” and Vibration and energy is still a mystery to me, but I feel that all this wouldn’t be coming to my awareness if there wasn’t a good reason for it.

Says 109 – Insight in Dance lessons.

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2012 Nov 02 I was thinking of my first day at school and how my dad told me that I would be okay if I just listened and watched and learned to be like the other kids. I couldn’t understand or speak a word of English, as all I knew was German, so I had no idea what was being said or being asked of me. It was to say the least, traumatic. So I took my dad’s words to heart and all my life, I constantly compared myself to others and if I didn’t have, or couldn’t do what they could do, I berate myself that I was not good enough, stupid, a loser, or whatever. I even went so far as to judge my parents and family as I also compared them to other families. Why not? I was part of this family that was not like the others as we lacked this and that, and my program said that this was a reflection on me. As a result, I was never happy and always trying to live up to unobtainable expectations, trying to be like others instead of being me.

The flip-side of this is that when I was being me that brought me joy and happiness, it made others unhappy, envious and hate me. So now my program said, don’t be you as it makes others unhappy, be like the others. Don’t show off your talents and strengths that others don’t have. To facilitate this hideous self-hatred program, I’d deny and sabotage my gifts and talents, and downplay my strengths so that I would be like the others and they would like and accept me. But of course, having already shown my true colors, they were always watching and reminding me not to be me. What a sick and twisted game I played on, and with myself, all the result of this one program that was instilled and imprinted in my young, innocent mind, when it was filled with fear, doubt and confusion on that first day of school.

I feel that these dance lessons are yet another step in my de-programming myself, not totally, but getting to some core root issues. While I still tried to be like the others in that, I was part of a group that was taking dance lessons; I was not trying to be like the others. What I learned was what the teacher was teaching the whole group and how I applied, what I learned was up to me. Others did what they did, and I did what I thought was right and what felt good, and if I was confused and the steps didn’t feel right then I’d get help from the teacher. My dance class last night was fun. Sure I and my partner made mistakes but we also learned and corrected them and there were moments when we were in our own little world, oblivious as to what others were or were not doing. I was being me and enjoying myself and not trying to be like the others, or comparing myself to them.

Says 98 – The pursuit of happiness.

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There can be no pursuit of happiness, either you are happy or you are not. Happiness is a state of being, it is what you feel in the moment without fear, judgment, attachment, or expectation. Pursuing, people, places and things in an attempt to make you happy is a fools game and at best, one that will only bring you temporary results that leave you wanting more. Instead of pursuing happiness, one needs to pursue the reason and truth of why you are unhappy, and then to heal that. When you find the cause of your unhappiness and heal it, what you are left with is being in a state of happiness. The pursuit of happiness is also intertwined with false hope, dreams and desires that “if” you can just have or do what your Mind thinks it needs, that you will be happy and satisfied.

Trying to pursue happiness is like a donkey trying to reach a carrot that is dangling from a pole attached securely to a cart that the donkey is pulling. The carrot will always be just out of reach and no matter how hard the donkey tries to reach it, he will never succeed.

Says 97 – The walking dead

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2012 Sept 25, I drove into Woodstock to look at a room that I saw listed on Kijiji. It turns out that the man is dying of cancer and has only a few months left to live. It started out in his colon, then moved to his liver and is now in his lymph glands, that can’t be operated on. He said that he maybe has four months, and that he hopes to see this Christmas, but that he doubts he will see another one. He said that besides having his colon removed, he had 5/8 of his liver removed, as well as a node that they later found on it. He now has a hernia protruding out of his abdomen where his liver used to be. He looks fine and healthy while he is sitting down. He seems quite calm, cool and collected in talking about his illness and imminent death, but that is NOT what is really going on. He’s a walking dead man. How does one deal with that? Again, I’m witnessing what is going on behind the scenes.

While we were talking, his wife took a phone call and went outside on the patio to talk. I asked him why he wants to rent out a room, something that they have never done before, if he has all this going on as it will just add stress to your relationship with your wife that is working and also looking after you. He didn’t reply to my questions, but said that another person, a nurse, was coming over later this afternoon to have a look at the room and that if she didn’t want it, that I could have it. I said that a nurse staying here would be of help to him and his wife as she could provide some assistance if needed. With that, I said my goodbyes and left.

2012 Sept 26, I received an email stating that the room had been taken.

Says 74 – Courage

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2012 July 30 6:30 am. I was thinking of a discussion I had with a friend on Courage. It doesn’t take courage to pretend that you are OK when you’re not. That’s false courage and the illusion and lie that that they present to others so that they won’t feel week, alone, vulnerable, not good enough, a failure, unlovable, and the list goes on and on. Pretending that one is fine by putting on a false bravado and face to others is also a disguised form of unloving heartlessness toward themselves. By pretending that you have conquered, or are unaffected by your physical adversities, or the things and people in your life that are activating you, you are not only fooling others, but also yourself.

Real courage is not only admitting all the things that you omit, avoid and deny, but to also dig deeper and have the inner strength to not only face your issues, but to mentally, emotionally and physically allow yourself to move what has never been allowed to move, your darkest fear. That is true courage and that is the only thing that will bring light and understanding to what has been denied and in kept in the dark. That is love, unconditional love that can move mountains and give you the life you have only dreamed and hoped was possible.

Says 72 – Chat with the landlords – leaving the end of August.

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2012 July 28 Saturday 11;00 am. The landlord came to my room and asked me if I had found another place yet. I invited him into my room and we had a little chat. I stated that I liked the room and the other people living here and that I’d like to stay, but that we need to clear the air. I said that I speak my mind and ask questions when I am confused or feel someone is trying to manipulate or bullshit me. And just because I express myself, that doesn’t mean that I’m the bad one for uncovering the truth that another person is trying to hide.

I asked about the A/C and was given several BS stories. I asked about why you went into my room without permission, and you questioned my questioning you. And most recently my asking your wife why she was up here at midnight, making a noise, and basically telling me to fuck off. Me asking questions is NOT the problem. You guys not answering my question in a forthright and honest manner and lying, omitting, avoiding or denying is the problem.

He then began his response by saying that what goes on between us, stays with us. We don’t like you talking with the other tenants and stirring things up. I said that the other tenants come to me and tell me things but they are too shit scared to confront you or your wife. I told him that I don’t keep secrets and I don’t hide the truth. If the problem is uncovered and the truth is honestly and openly expressed, then there is no longer a problem as it will be resolved. The problem only continues to be a problem as long as we try to deny and cover up that there is a problem.

If I were to say nothing or to agree with you even if I did it just to make you happy, then I’d be just like you, a person that lies, omits, avoid and denies telling the truth. What would make you happy is for me to obey you and agree with anything you say or do. My being real and honest is not what you want to hear, as you would like to have obedient tenants that are just grateful for what you give them, and do what you want without question, as having that power and control over others is what makes you and your wife happy.

He then suggested that I meet with him and his wife later to discuss the matter, but she was busy showing the room across the hall from me and wasn’t going to be free until early afternoon.

1:30 pm, I went downstairs and had a meeting with both, and the woman was adamant in getting rid of me, as no matter what I said, she avoided or denied answering my direct questions. In the end, the only thing that was resolved was that I would be out by Friday, August 31 (or before) if I found another place sooner. They also stated that if I left sooner, that they would reimburse me the number of days I had left to the end of the month if I paid the full month’s rent, and also return my $100.00 deposit. The landlord extended his hand and I accepted the offer.