Category Archives: Feelings – Emotions

Says 40 – Lost hopes, dreams, desires and innocence

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2012 April 9 Lost hopes, dreams and desires are directly related to experiences where you had the opportunity to fulfill those dreams and desires, but you were either denied having the experience, or you denied it yourself. As much as you now hope and long for another opportunity to re-live the experience as you would like to do things differently, it’s also futile, as that moment has passed and things have changed. It’s is impossible to even pretend and deny that the original experience never happened. Even knowing that you have a second chance, doesn’t make it the original experience, as you already have that imprint, program and belief, that it is a lost hope, dream and desire, that was put in place from the original denied experience.

With that realization comes the feelings of heartbreak, as well as anger and rage at yourself for being held back, or for holding yourself back. While these feelings and emotions are quick to surface, what is harder to reach and also the most important is your denied terror, and why you felt your terror was correct at that time, in denying the experience.

What brought this topic up was my remembering a few experiences in my early adolescence. While I was curious about girls and wanted to talk with them and be friends, I was also afraid that I was bad or that others would think that I was bad. The reason behind those thoughts was due in part to my religious upbringing and my mother, and secondly was the result of being bullied and not wanting to say or do anything that would give others a reason to attack me. This was my terror that I denied, and as such, I denied any experiences where I had the desire to do so.
Now, decades later, I wonder what would have happened if? If I had done that, if I had said that, and hundreds of other if’s. Guilt and shame were also involved in keeping me from the experiences I was curious about and desired. This is also associated with lost innocence, innocence that I denied, and now, lost youth, as I’m now decades older, and I can’t relive my youth….or at least, that is my present belief.

It’s interesting that I added that as an afterthought as that thought came from nowhere. So maybe there is a way to heal all this and to reclaim lost innocence and fulfill my lost hopes, dreams and desires.

As I’m writing this, I’m feeling over whelmed at all that I have lost. I have very few memories of my childhood, adolescence, teen and even adult life. Not like some people I know that can remember minute details and even the exact date. What I do remember mostly are things associated with lost hopes, dreams and desires. I’m realizing that I was either living in the past, heartbroken and angry over what I had experienced, or I was in terror of what was awaiting me in the future. As such, I had very little of my conscious presence fully in the present moment.

Says 35 – How I abuse my Body…. and Body talks to me.

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2012 March 30 6:50 am I was just thinking of how I do all the things that I THINK are helping my Body, but that I’m actually doing the REVERSE. I’m denying what I don’t like, what I don’t want to accept that my Body is showing me, and how I look to outside things to make my Body either feel good, or look better.

What I need to do, is what the message said, to listen to my Body. If it’s an ache, pain or illness, I need to listen and feel what my Body is holding and work on releasing that unloving denied energy that is creating the imbalance.

If I don’t like what I see with my Body, gray hair, saggy skin, wrinkles, and a lack of strength and vitality etc, then instead of trying to force the body to exercise or use external products to try to reverse the aging process, I need to do the opposite. And again, I need to listen to my Body and let it tell me what I needs to do and to help it rejuvenate itself by finding what it is holding and then releasing the programs and beliefs and the denied energy that it has been holding for years.

2012 April 01 This morning, as I was getting out of bed , I was thinking of what I was going to have for breakfast. I nonchalantly asked my Body what it would like and to my surprise, I distinctly heard a voice in my head, say, “I’d like some porridge this morning.”
I asked, “With strawberries and Blueberries?”
I heard my Body reply, “No strawberries, just blueberries as the strawberries are not healthy.”
I sat on my bed for a few moments, taking in all that just happened. I got up feeling a happiness and lightness in my Body that I haven’t felt since I was a child. It brought tears to my eyes.

 

Says 34 – Letting go of the Old world and creating a new World

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2012 March 30 6:40 am I awoke and was thinking of all the things that are wrong in this world and I began to write a list.

Corrupt government, federal, provincial, and municipal
Religious beliefs and conflict
The wars and military spending
Pharmaceutical drugs and medical care
High gas, food, electrical and housing prices
High CATV, satellite, telephone, cell phone and internet prices
GMO foods and animals
Polluted land, water and air
Chemtrails and government cover-up
Big brother watching you
And the list goes on and on.

I then though, this is way too much to try to fix and that the only way we are going to change things is to let go of it and let it self destruct and then we’ll build a brand new world to rise out of the ashes like the fabled Phoenix. By self-destruct, I don’t mean that the World (Earth) should be destroyed, but that the SYSTEMS that are presently in a position of power be destroyed. When they are gone, along with those that support that system; those that remain can then begin the process of creating a New World with a new blue print of how reality can be when denials are ended.

Says 30 – Tourettes syndrome and the denial of terror

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I was watching a documentary on 20 / 20 about Tourettes syndrome  and I found it interesting that they said that the symptoms usually appeared in children around the ages of 5 – 9 and then carry on into adult life, although it decreased with age.  I watched as they followed a few children around their daily activities and saw how they functioned, as well as how the medical community was dealing with their symptoms that they acknowledged were stress related, for which they gleefully prescribed drugs as a treatment. The children not only had to deal with Tourettes, but also the drugs and their sides effects.  The doctors also suggested that the parents, who were stressed by the child’s outbreaks, should ignore any emotional displays and tantrums that the child exhibits. Even writing this pisses me off. I could just take the fucking doctors and psychiatrists and shake them until their heads fall off.  Ignorant and arrogant fuckers.

The attacks were usually activated by a loud noise, voice, crowd, or a physical touch. The activated person would then respond verbally, or physically, but not in a way that could be understood. By that I mean that they would either cough, bark like a dog, or make other animalistic sounds, or they would howl, tweet, shriek, or utter high pitched notes, snap their fingers,or they would cuss and swear as a form of verbal release. The other form of expression was a physical release (tics) where their body would momentarily freeze up and if it was mild, they would simply go into rolling or blinking their eyes a few times, or they would explode in a variety of convulsive type movements and gestures.  Some would exhibit the symptoms of OCD or ADHD and would repeat physical movements or habits for as long as they were being activated. Others would hit themselves or pull their hair as a form of self-punishment. Still others would express their denied rage by throwing a temper tantrum, or by flying into a verbal barrage of cuss and swear words and gestures aimed at those that they felt were attacking them..

As the documentary progressed I could feel  that it was their denied terror that was moving in the only way that it was allowed any expression in that moment.  Something happened to them as a  child that traumatized them and the only way they could feel safe to release the pressure of the emotions they were feeling was to ACT it out in a way that would not be understood and cause more trauma. Hence, whenever they would be activated by a similar experience to the one that traumatized them, they would go off into their non-sensible verbal and physical emotional expressions.

A few days later, I happened to be chatting with a guy in a facebook group on healing emotions. As he shared his form of emotional release, I immediately knew he had Tourettes. He was very defensive at first, but then admitted his issue and we got into a discussion. He stated that when he was terrified, that total panic would set in and that he would flip out, meaning that his Body would go off into all sorts of physical gymnastics and he would momentarily leave his Body. He said he felt a sense of relief and that it was so good to get out of his Body as what he was feeling was driving him crazy.  He also stated that he felt terror of having to go back, but not as much as he did before he gapped.  This was a man in his 30-40’s and while he said his symptoms were now a lot better than they were as a child, he was still faced with the possibility of flipping out at any time. When asked if he had traced his emotional trauma back to his childhood he became defensive again.  The only reason that Tourettes seems to disappear with age is that is just had years of denial and learned forms of avoiding the situations that triggered the re-action.

This is not the documentary I was watching, but a YouTube video on Tourettes…

Says 27 – The cause of all illness and aging is denial

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2012 March 19, The present issues I’m working on is healing my Body and manifesting my desires and that includes dealing with illness and aging that are manifested by the Body. While there are countless forms of disease, there is only one underlying cause, and that is denial. Denial, the denied energy (reversed polarity) from all parts of the self is what causes the disease and aging. Although it’s not obvious, it’s the unseen role of denial that is the root of our beliefs and judgments, and I’ve found that one of the biggest limitations and judgments on our Being is our social and personal definitions of who and what we are. If you make a list of all your negative “I am” faults, you will have a record of all your limiting beliefs and judgments. Some of my limiting “I am” beliefs and judgments are:

I am getting old because:
I’m not as strong as I once was
I’m not as energetic as I once was
I am getting white hair
I am losing my hearing
I am losing my eyesight
I am feeling pain in my bones
I am feeling pain in my muscles

While I have some knowledge, insights and understandings into the issues in my life from my past emotional healing experiences, I still don’t have the understandings I need to solve this current illness and aging issue with my Body. I have yet to apply my knowledge and experience it in a real life situation, in the “now” or present moment, to see if what I think I know, really works.

The cause of all pain and suffering is denial.

Says 26 – The power of labels and our core “I am” beliefs

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I’m in a Facebook group where I’ve been having an exchange with a man that admits he is gay. As he defended his belief of his gender preference, I realized that he was no different than a person saying they were an alcoholic or a drug addict. While the man said, “I am gay” he totally missed the fact that he is a Spiritual Being having a physical experience which happens to be being in a sexual relationship with a man, which is labeled by society as the person being gay. Being gay is what he is experiencing; it is not what he is… BIG difference.

I also realized that any mental, emotional or physical affliction is the same as an addiction in that both carry the denied underlying causes related to their physical experiences. If people allow themselves to be identified by the LABELES that their Doctor, or society puts on them, then they will have resigned themselves to be defined by those limiting and crippling beliefs. They will unconsciously will live their lives in pain and misery until such time that they choose to let go of their label belief and decide to find the hidden cause, the unseen role of denial underpinning their experience.

Our fears are connected to our “I AM” core beliefs that limit us from being who we really are. Our fears are not bad or evil, but they have their origins rooted in real life traumatic unloving experiences were we fragmented a piece of our Essence out of our Being. While we are mentally unaware of the fragments that have been denied, we are aware of their presence by their magnetic draw to be accepted, yet we still deny them, or rather, deny dealing with the original cause that created the fragmentation and resultant programs and beliefs. It’s a double blind situation as we are unaware of what we are doing and what we need to do to resolve and heal the situation and therefore we ignorantly believe our denials as being the truth and the truth as being our denials.

The same goes for other beliefs like, I am not free, I am poor, homeless, unhappy, depressed, etc. All these are limiting “I AM” beliefs and as such, are locked into the CORE of our psyche, our BEING. Until they are cleared and released, it’s impossible to become our true “I AM” presence as these beliefs, and the denied feelings and emotions behind the experiences that led to these beliefs, are overriding our true essence and power.

Affirmations like, “I am happy, I am abundant. I am free,” etc., are just a forms of denial and role-playing that only serve to deepen the belief. As an example, simply saying “I am happy” when one is actually feeling sad is in blatant denial of our true feelings and emotions.

 

Says 17 – Past memories of dying

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2012 Feb 19 12:30 am Sunday, I just had a memory flashback of not wanting to die and how panicked my Mind was. It was in morbid terror, not wanting to die.  I don’t know where this feeling and image came from as I was just drifting off to sleep when I was startled by it.

A few seconds later I had flashed back to my childhood when my mother tried to drown me and how I felt free when my Spirit was out of my Body,  Hovering above my Body that lay still and motionless in a small bathtub, relieved that it (the hate) was finally over and that now I could have peace.

Then I flashed back to the night I was conceived and again the feelings of not wanting to be here, as there was no love.  Although they were married, my father was basically raping my mother. But this feeling of wanting to leave feels different than the previous one. It’s more like Heart feeling he didn’t want to be here as it was not the love and life he desired, or expected.

Humm, this is getting complicated.

Says 15 – Stopping the cycle of death and reincarnation

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February 18 7:15 AM So in order to stop the cycle of death and reincarnation, and to bring all the presently untapped physical senses into reality, Spirit (Mind) has to begin to not only accept what the Body, Will and Heart are feeling in the present moment, but to also feel what happened to them  in the past. Spirit needs to go where it has never gone before and experience what it thinks will kill it, to a place where Will/Body were abandoned and left to die. It’s Body (form) that holds the most denials as even the Will gradually has to leave it, not that she wanted to, but she had no choice.

Feb 18 1:10 PM Not that all of Heart left after Spirit left, as only the part of Heart that is Spirit polarized left, leaving the Will polarized part of Heart to die along with Body and Will. I just felt the heartbreak of both Spirit polarity Heart in having to leave the Body/Will, and the Will polarity of itself and how he felt he had no choice, and how Will polarity Heart, felt broken, betrayed, alone and a host of other feelings and emotions. Will polarity Heart was also trapped in a dying Body and quickly losing consciousness, meaning that the physical heart and circulatory system and blood were also dying, and in the process, cutting off possibility of physical life from the rest of the Body.

This is horrible! What a fucking heartbreaking waste!  I don’t know what else I can call it as there are just too many feelings and words to describe what I just felt. It’s all based on imprinting that goes back to the very beginning, to original Cause.

Before you can know what life is, you need to know what death is.

To know what love is, you need to know what is not love.

If any part of us is in denial of another part of ourselves, that part being denied is receiving death.  So how can we call what we are experiencing life, when a part of us is dying? Cutting off parts of us that are dying only means that we are losing more consciousness and essence. Eventually Spirit, that is electric in nature, also dies because without the Wills Magnetic essence there is no longer the compliment of forces necessary for Spirit/Will to co-exist. Without the Yin, there is no Yang.

Says 14 – Body carrying the (LOAD = Lies, Omission, Avoidance, Denial)

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February 18 6:25 AM I was thinking about death and how Spirit (Mind) has never experienced what our Body and Will have experienced. When a person dies, it’s the Spirit (life force) that leaves first, and then, within a few seconds, Heart (represented by our physical heart) stops and with that, there is no longer any flow of the life force to nourish the Body.

The Will, being magnetic in nature, doesn’t leave the Body immediately, nor does she want to as life is what she desires, but without Spirit presence, to animate Body with life, the Body cannot exist in the form it had. Without Spirit, the Will is slowly forced to leave the Body, and as she leaves, the parts of the Body begin to return to the original essence and elements that it was made from. One thing I need to mention is that just because Spirit and Heart have left the Body/Will, that doesn’t mean that the Body’s  and Will’s ability to feel and sense what is going on has stopped, as only Body’s ability to move and respond has ceased to function. It can still feel pain in all those parts that still have Will presence, it just can’t move and respond to them.

It’s like a person that is in a coma and while they are unable to communicate, they are totally aware of what is going on, they just can’t move their eyes, speak, or even move their finger to show they are alive and aware of their surroundings and the physical and emotional pain they are in. A person in a coma still has some part of their Spirit essence in their Body as it hasn’t totally decided to leave, yet. It has lifted most of it’s essence and consciousness, except for what is needed to keep the body/Will alive.  Heart presence is still in the Body to maintain the flow of life essence. Left unattended, the person would be unable to feed or care for themselves and unless Spirit chose to return, a slow and agonizing dying process would follow until such time that Spirit did leave and Body/Will would feel abandoned, unloved, rejected, and heartbroken.

I just felt and realized that while Spirit has never experienced what Body and Will have, that there is a part of Heart essence that has remained and experienced an aspect of dying. Although this part of Heart has momentarily remained, it has only experienced Spirit leaving and only the very beginning of the emotional and physical pain that the Will and Body was feeling, as when it felt its terror of death, it was quick to follow Spirit. Spirits terror is to experience dying and death, as life is what it is, and Heart has similar issues. When Spirit (Mind) says that death is nothing, it is only nothing to Spirit because Spirit has never experienced it, so there was NO THING to experience.

Humm? This relates back to the beginning of how Spirit is in terror of losing any part of the Body’s FULL sensations, especially sight, and sound, as then it is in the dark, the unknown, and left to the remaining senses, of touch, taste and smell, feeling crippled and powerless.

Loss of the physical senses and the body’s physical abilities of its youth terrify the Spirit and is in part, the cause of aging, as Spirit tries to deny what has happened to Body as a result of the experiences it, and the Will have had to endure without the acceptance and help from Spirit. All the times when Spirit/Will/Body/Heart were confronted with traumatic experiences, Spirit did what it thought it needed to do in order to survive, by cutting off and denying the parts of itself, it’s Will, (feelings and emotions) as well as Body sensations.  It’s all these denials, (denied reversed energy) that the body is forced to hold and carry. It’s the LOAD (Lies, Omission, Avoidance, Denial)  that gradually weighs down the Body, causing it to move and react slower and not heal like it once did , and to also diminish its senses.  That’s when Spirit begins to become aware of the things it doesn’t like about the Body, which only adds to the denials that the Body is forced to hold, thus accelerating the process of illness and aging.

Note: In looking for an autopsy picture to use on my blog post I happened upon this picture and then followed it to the main website.  If you want to see and feel what a medical team does to a Body that is still alive, but can’t move, then visit this site.

I must warn you, the pictures are very graphic and disturbing.

Says 13 – The Body and its five senses

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2012 Feb 17 The Bodies sensations of sight, sound, taste, touch and smell are very much like the Will, in that they can differentiate between what is pleasant and what is not pleasant, loving and unloving. This is most evident with the senses of taste, touch and smell, as the Mind has formed judgments that override the input of sight and sound, with sight being the most overridden, as in the expression, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” This overriding of our Will, and Body is what is learned through our experiences.

Before I wrote the above paragraph, I was thinking of my hearing problem, and how I had difficulty hearing my brother last night when he came to visit me. I thought how strange and empty my world would be without sound and the ability to hear all the sounds I presently hear. I then closed my eyes and thought of all the objects, shapes, colors that would disappear if I also lost my sight, and how helpless I would be trying to make our my around and function.

All five of our senses have special properties that allow us to experience reality in different ways, and to lose even one would have a profound effect on our lives. For me, the senses I most value, in order of importance would be sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. I feel there are even more physical senses that we possess, it’s just that we don’t know how, or we can’t use them at the present moment. I feel they are much like how we can use technology to expand our awareness, but we would not need technology to experience them, as we would be able to have these abilities naturally.