Tag Archives: Lost

Says 82 – Getting organized – Generation Gap

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2012 Sept 02 Sunday, I never bought any food on Saturday as I hadn’t been able to talk to Nancy or Frank as to where I could put my stuff in the refrigerator, as well as where I was going to store my non perishable food stuff. I talked to Nancy this morning after they got up around noon and she gave me some cupboard and fridge space, enough to keep my basics. Other foodstuff and some of my utensils I can keep in a cupboard in my room.

2012 Sept 07 Friday It’s kind of weird as the two young people that also room here usually eat when and what Frank and Nancy eat. No one eats breakfast and supper isn’t until 8:30 – 9:00 at night. It’s like a communal kitchen, but where it’s Nancy (depending on what shift she works) or Frank that does the cooking, and Frank doesn’t get home until after 8:30pm, and the young ones just wait until supper is ready. The young guy make spaghetti for himself the other day, but he didn’t just make one of two servings, he used the whole package, enough for 10 people, and then he stuffed the pot in the fridge as leftover’s. He then eats at it during the day for days, trying to get rid of it as no one else wants it. He told me I could help myself, but I already had my spaghetti feed a day before he made his, so I wasn’t interested.

I’ve also noticed that the two young people seem lost. They both have jobs, but they are in their own little world that doesn’t include the basics of living and caring for themselves. It’s just like they are large toddlers. They leave their bedroom door open at times and I can’t help but notice how littered and messy the rooms are. When they use the bathroom, whatever falls on the counter or floor, stays there, same goes for the kitchen and even the patio. Maybe it’s just the three generation gap at work, but there seems to be this hopelessness or indifference that is reflected, not only by their rooms, but in their general attitude. They look clean and as normal as present teens can be when they go out, as that is the public perception that they want to portray, but that is not what they are really like. The young guy had his girlfriend (mother figure) over the other day and she cleaned up his room, but a few hours after she left, he had things on the floor again.

The other part of the generation gap is with Frank and Nancy as they are in their later 40’s and are consumed with their jobs, Nancy working a rotating three shift schedule, mornings, afternoons and nights, while Frank works 8 am to 8 pm, 7 days a week. Both of them have very little time for each other, or to do things around the house, other than prepare meals and clean up after the toddlers. Nancy also tries to be this cool mother figure to them, cleaning up after them (once a week) and driving them to the store to get beer, cigarettes, or maybe some food. I know the young ones are also smoking weed, but they’re not toking up in the house or yard. They are what they are, and I just do my own thing.

I don’t know what these young kids would do if no one cleaned up after them or prepared their meals and did their laundry. They are like a hoarder or litterbug that would eventually be living in and eating their own excrement. I’m not saying that one needs to be a clean freak, BUT!….

Ahhh! I just got it… It’s all about choice. People are going to be toddlers and litterbugs as long as there are people that are willing to mother them, to pick up after them and take care of them. It’s all about power and control and of course, denial, free Will and choice.

Nancy hooked up my internet, (25 character password). Apparently, the TV and movies are also available via the computer but that hasn’t been activated as yet. I don’t rally miss TV….

Says 40 – Lost hopes, dreams, desires and innocence

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2012 April 9 Lost hopes, dreams and desires are directly related to experiences where you had the opportunity to fulfill those dreams and desires, but you were either denied having the experience, or you denied it yourself. As much as you now hope and long for another opportunity to re-live the experience as you would like to do things differently, it’s also futile, as that moment has passed and things have changed. It’s is impossible to even pretend and deny that the original experience never happened. Even knowing that you have a second chance, doesn’t make it the original experience, as you already have that imprint, program and belief, that it is a lost hope, dream and desire, that was put in place from the original denied experience.

With that realization comes the feelings of heartbreak, as well as anger and rage at yourself for being held back, or for holding yourself back. While these feelings and emotions are quick to surface, what is harder to reach and also the most important is your denied terror, and why you felt your terror was correct at that time, in denying the experience.

What brought this topic up was my remembering a few experiences in my early adolescence. While I was curious about girls and wanted to talk with them and be friends, I was also afraid that I was bad or that others would think that I was bad. The reason behind those thoughts was due in part to my religious upbringing and my mother, and secondly was the result of being bullied and not wanting to say or do anything that would give others a reason to attack me. This was my terror that I denied, and as such, I denied any experiences where I had the desire to do so.
Now, decades later, I wonder what would have happened if? If I had done that, if I had said that, and hundreds of other if’s. Guilt and shame were also involved in keeping me from the experiences I was curious about and desired. This is also associated with lost innocence, innocence that I denied, and now, lost youth, as I’m now decades older, and I can’t relive my youth….or at least, that is my present belief.

It’s interesting that I added that as an afterthought as that thought came from nowhere. So maybe there is a way to heal all this and to reclaim lost innocence and fulfill my lost hopes, dreams and desires.

As I’m writing this, I’m feeling over whelmed at all that I have lost. I have very few memories of my childhood, adolescence, teen and even adult life. Not like some people I know that can remember minute details and even the exact date. What I do remember mostly are things associated with lost hopes, dreams and desires. I’m realizing that I was either living in the past, heartbroken and angry over what I had experienced, or I was in terror of what was awaiting me in the future. As such, I had very little of my conscious presence fully in the present moment.