Says 281 – Neighbor angry at me.

A couple of days ago, I was outside, on the other side of my apartment building, talking to a woman tenant, when the man that lives between us walked by. I said, ”Hi,” but he never acknowledged me, and just walking with his head down. I felt he was ticked off at me as I was sure he heard me.  We used to chat and tell jokes last fall, but over winter, I only saw him a few times on the street and we never talked. With spring coming and spending more time outside, I’d see him having a cigarette in the back yard, but when he’d see me, he’d turn and go back inside, At first I just thought he had finished and was naturally going in, but a couple of times, I called out to him but he never answered back. So this meeting today was a sure sign that something was amiss.

So the next day, when I heard him in his apartment, I went around and knocked on his door. After the third knock, he answered with a hostile,”What do you want?”

I asked, “Do you have a problem with me, as you feel you are ignoring me and angry about something?”

He angrily replied, “Do you want a problem?

I said, “Whoa, so you do have a problem with me. What’s up?”

He barked, “If you want one you can have one?”  as he postured himself to make himself look bigger than he was.

I knew there was no talking to him in his denied rage, so I turned to leave and he, snarled, “You’re the one who knocked on my door, I didn’t knock on yours. You stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine.”

I didn’t say anything as I walked around the corner and then around the building to see the landlord and his helper, that was working in the apartment of the man that had recently died.  I told them what had just happened and asked if they knew why he was angry at me. They looked surprised and said they never heard anything from him. We left it at that. What the hell is going on?

Says 40 – Lost hopes, dreams, desires and innocence

2012 April 9 Lost hopes, dreams and desires are directly related to experiences where you had the opportunity to fulfill those dreams and desires, but you were either denied having the experience, or you denied it yourself. As much as you now hope and long for another opportunity to re-live the experience as you would like to do things differently, it’s also futile, as that moment has passed and things have changed. It’s is impossible to even pretend and deny that the original experience never happened. Even knowing that you have a second chance, doesn’t make it the original experience, as you already have that imprint, program and belief, that it is a lost hope, dream and desire, that was put in place from the original denied experience.

With that realization comes the feelings of heartbreak, as well as anger and rage at yourself for being held back, or for holding yourself back. While these feelings and emotions are quick to surface, what is harder to reach and also the most important is your denied terror, and why you felt your terror was correct at that time, in denying the experience.

What brought this topic up was my remembering a few experiences in my early adolescence. While I was curious about girls and wanted to talk with them and be friends, I was also afraid that I was bad or that others would think that I was bad. The reason behind those thoughts was due in part to my religious upbringing and my mother, and secondly was the result of being bullied and not wanting to say or do anything that would give others a reason to attack me. This was my terror that I denied, and as such, I denied any experiences where I had the desire to do so.
Now, decades later, I wonder what would have happened if? If I had done that, if I had said that, and hundreds of other if’s. Guilt and shame were also involved in keeping me from the experiences I was curious about and desired. This is also associated with lost innocence, innocence that I denied, and now, lost youth, as I’m now decades older, and I can’t relive my youth….or at least, that is my present belief.

It’s interesting that I added that as an afterthought as that thought came from nowhere. So maybe there is a way to heal all this and to reclaim lost innocence and fulfill my lost hopes, dreams and desires.

As I’m writing this, I’m feeling over whelmed at all that I have lost. I have very few memories of my childhood, adolescence, teen and even adult life. Not like some people I know that can remember minute details and even the exact date. What I do remember mostly are things associated with lost hopes, dreams and desires. I’m realizing that I was either living in the past, heartbroken and angry over what I had experienced, or I was in terror of what was awaiting me in the future. As such, I had very little of my conscious presence fully in the present moment.