EXACTLY the OPPOSITE of what this meme says is true. If you have feelings that something is not right, TRUST your intuition and give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Ask questions to clear the air and you will soon find out if your feelings were wrong.
As long as you have attachments to another person, you will continue to sacrifice yourself to make them happy. Instead, find the inner reasons of why you are afraid to be alone and why you think / feel you NEED them.
The two prime outer realities that shape our personal experiences are Religion and Government. Both have appointed themselves as having authority and dominion over not only the masses, but the Earth and all upon it. Know that these establishments are just puppets as there is a more sinister, “shadow” force that controls them both. Not that this shadow force controls religion or governments, but it controls the people in them.
In religion, you “learn” what love is.
In Spirituality, you “know” what love is.
You can’t judge a book, or a person, by their cover or outer appearance. Judgments are thought forms frozen in time, and attached to the thinker. They can either be real, based on past experience, or on an imprint, program, or belief instilled in the mind as truth.
Present day dumbed down society is a testimony to that. Most are happy being told what they can and can’t do, and will be outraged at those that oppose their beliefs and the system.
It’s not really about what is being said, but what is not being said. I could give you a list of judgments and denials, but I feel it’s important that one should become aware of the hidden language within our words. – Food for thought – or not
Last Thursday I went to Midas for the fourth time to see if my Hyundai Santa Fe engine computer codes had reset and I could get my eTest so that I could re-new my license plates. Well it didn’t pass as two codes were still not registering, but I did notice that the mechanic had to fiddle with the Diagnostic port to get a reading. He said I should go to the Kia dealer and get a tail pipe emissions test, which I did. But the tech there couldn’t get the Diagnostic port to read so the test failed and the report mentioned an error on pin 16.
Now I was pissed and stormed off to Woodstock Hyundai as a faulty Diagnostic port is what I paid the $900.00 for. They made an appointment to get the Santa Fe serviced on Tuesday. I went home and looked online and in the second image, low and behold, pin 16 has to do with POWER… (image with red arrow) Now I’m really pissed, as when I first took it in almost a month ago, I told the service advisor and mechanic to check the diagnostic plug as it was intermittent. 
He said, well it’s working now, and started off on another tangent. I said it passed the etest, but if it diagnostic port gives me trouble in the future I’ll be back. I knew I wasn’t going to get anywhere with him so I just paid for the emissions re-test, $19.78 as that’s all they charged me, and left
Well a lot of things have happened and a lot of things haven’t changed. The day after had the vehicle repaired, I took it to Midas Muffler to get an e-test. It failed on four accounts. They told me to take it for a 50km + run and come back, as the vehicle and computer need to run to re-set the computer modules. I did and took it back and there were still two modules that weren’t active. Then told me to drive it for a week or so and then come back. I went to the Hyundai dealer and told them what was happening. I went home and fired off a complaint to Hyundai Canada, telling them what I thought of their dealer service.
During the next week, I noticed a peculiar issue in that my Tachometer would register 1000 rpm and then flip up to 3,000 rpm and then wave in-between the two points. Meanwhile, the engine was revving at a constant rate and the speed was unchanged, so I figure this was one of the “adjustments” that the computer was making. It only lasted a minute or so and then acted normal. A few days later, I took it in to Midas Muffler and the two modules were still not working. They told me that they can pass an eTest with one module not working, but not two. I went back to the Hyundai dealer and let them know the status and that I wasn’t happy.
So today, Sept 15, I took the Santa Fe in to Midas and they tested it and they had trouble getting the diagnostic port to connect (same issue that I had a few weeks ago) and when they did, the two modules were still not working. They suggested I take it to the Kia dealer and get them to do a tail pipe check for the emissions test. I did, and the mechanic at Kia couldn’t connect to the diagnostic port and so he couldn’t do the test.
FRUSTRATED!. I went back to the Woodstock Hyundai and told them the story and showed them the paper work and demanded that they FIX my vehicle. The service advisor spoke to the manager and I’m taking the vehicle in on Tuesday, Sept 19. What ticks me off is that there are no engine lights on and the vehicle is running like a top, purring like a kitten, so this doesn’t make sense. I still think it’s the cable/connector between the diagnostic port and the computer, which is something that I had told the service advisor and mechanic when I first took the vehicle in for servicing, as the vehicle was running fine otherwise.
More to follow. 🙁
Hyundai Service in Woodstock Ontario gets two thumbs down..
Aaaaaaggggghhhhhhh! 🙁
I told you about my Santa Fe and how they can’t get diagnostics to work for a e-test… I took it in to the dealer last Monday and they said it was the computer and they order a used one. They called on Wednesday and said it was in. I took it in on Thursday at 9:00 am and after 4 hours, they said it wasn’t the computer, but a wiring problem and gave me an estimate for removing the dash for 6 hours @ $102.00/hour. I left the car there and they drove me home. They called on Friday at 4:30 pm and said they still hadn’t found the problem. So I was without a vehicle for the weekend.
On Monday, at 4:30 pm, they called and said it was ready, that they had repaired the broken wire and were sending someone around to pick me up. She also told me that the mechanic was now looking at the three issues I had noted. I explained that on Thursday, I told the service advisor and mechanic about the three minor electrical problems that are under the dash, that happened after I had the heater core replaced, and if they were removing the dash, to also fix those issues. I exclaimed that now that the dash is replaced, I’m not paying to have them take it apart to look for the problems they should have checked when they had the dash apart.. WTF…
When I got there, the service advisor said they had to replace the computer as it had shorted out.. I went into a rant as if that was the truth, then they would also have shorted out the new “used” computer when they installed it.. AND… A broken wire does NOT create a short circuit, it creates an open circuit, no current flowing. I knew they were bullshitting me.
In total, this “broken” wire cost me just over $900.00, that’s with her dropping $150 off the bill. but still..!!! AND – I’m not finished. They could have easily ordered an new connector assembly and plugged it into the computer and hidden the cable under the centre counsel. Takes one minute to pull the panel. The whole job would have taken 15 minutes..
AND… when I went to get my vehicle, the car seats were spotted with greasy dirt spots and oily grime smudge marks in the fabric. The floor mats on the driver side looked like they walked in oil and grime and didn’t care it was dirtying both the top fiber mat. They seemed to have removed the top mat and then did the same to the original carpet.The side panel on my centre counsel were loose and screws missing.
NOT IMPRESSED>>> I wasn’t before…but this is the last time I’m going there, Woodstock Hyundai even if I have to drive to London or Cambridge. This is ridiculous.
2016 Image of Santa Fe dash
After my trip out west with no vehicle issues in almost 10,000 km, I decided to get a compulsory vehicle (emissions) e-test to get a two year vehicle license renewal. The shop I went to said they couldn’t get a reading from my diagnostic plug and suggested I go to the dealer for them to check it out and do the test.
I waited a few days and then dropped into another shop and got the same problem. So now I figure I’d go to the dealer and get it checked out.
I made an appointment and after a couple of hours, they reported the same issue and said it was my computer. A new one was over $1,000.00, but they couldn’t get one so they were able to find a used one in Halifax for $160.00 but that it would take a few days to get here and that the installed cost would be around $350.00.
A few days later they called to make an appointment to get it installed and I made a note to the service advisor that I wanted the old one, as it worked fine except for the diagnostic issue. A few hours later they informed me that it wasn’t the computer, that there was something else causing the problem. She said they re-installed the old one and were looking into it. In the mean time they offered to drive me home. I told the mechanic working on the car that I had the heater core replaced at the beginning of 2016 and that I had three minor electrical issues ever since, but I didn’t think it was worth the hours required to R&R the dash. He said good to know.
They telephoned me later saying that they would not charge me for the computer, but that the senior mechanic said the issue was behind the dash and that they needed to R&R the dash to solve the problem. They gave me a repair cost of 6 hours @ $102.00/hour for $600.00 plus tax and sent me an email to confirm the repair. I agreed and added the fact that the dash had been removed and I had three minor electrical issues after that, and since they were removing the dash anyway, they could now fix. As of Friday, Aug 18 – 3:30 pm, I’m still waiting to hear from them.
PS: UPDATE: I got a call at 4:50 pm stating that they were still working on my vehicle and that they would give me an update on Monday.
I find it interesting that a few of the New Agers and RUOW people I know are turning toward organized religion. I don’t mean in an exploratory way, I mean getting right into the Christian saved and born again bible thumpers, or into Hinduism, Buddhism, or Muslim religions with a gung ho attitude that they’ve finally found their community, a sense of commonality, and their calling. I feel they were searching for a common thread that would unite them with other like minded / feeling people where everyone had a so-called “positive” attitude and supported one another. A community where they would feel loved, wanted, and protected, and not alone, unwanted, or in fear of being attacked. Once your Spirit is broken and you have given in to the outer reflection that you are powerless, your mind no longer challenges or searches for answers, but blindly accepts what it is told as the truth. You become part of the flock with herd mentality.
On the other hand, I’m also witnessing some friends and family members that were “born again,” saved, church going, praying, and gospel singing Christians that have lost their “faith” in their church (aka religion) and are trying to come to terms with that. I feel these people have a better chance of healing and empowering themselves, as now they are unsure of their beliefs about what love and life are all about and are willing to question what they previously called truth.
Overall, even if you are not a devoutly religious person, (including atheists and agnostics) there is this social “religious” mindset that while it may not be obvious, has a sinister undercurrent that dictates social morals and behavior. Until one is able to let go of their religious beliefs they will be controlled by them and will also try to control others around them, thus creating conflict. They try to solve the conflict by either changing the rules or adding new and improved ones hoping that it will create peace and that things in their life will change for the better. Besides letting go of one’s religious imprints, programs and beliefs, one needs to explore and let go of, or change the social imprints and programs that are embedded in their mind that unconsciously control one’s thoughts, words and deeds. Politics, government, education, media, police and the military are but a few major players that dictate social experience and reality.
I was watching the movie “King Arthur – Legend of the Sword,” and a comment by the present king piqued my interest. I can’t remember the exact words, but they were along the lines that he thrives on another’s fear; that even though they may hate him, it feeds him energy and power. Another comment was, “You have to break his old self completely, wear him down.”
Later, I thought about the comment and the people that feed off your fears and control you and have power over you, can only do so as long as you are denying the fear that they are activating. Say you have a fear (terror) of confrontation, then they will use whatever they can to activate your fear, be it mental, emotional, physical, or any combination thereof. Anything that threatens you; that you are afraid to face or challenge, will and can over-power and control you.
The other things people use to control and over-power you is guilt and shame. They make you think, feel, and believe that your words or actions are wrong and even hurtful to the one that is trying to control you. They are using your minds twisted beliefs of what love is, what is right and wrong, along with your false emotions that are aligned with your minds beliefs to get you to re-act in the way they want you to.
In order to activate you into your denied issues and fear (terror) as a means to control and over-power you, there are four basic tactics that others use. They are the intimidator, the interrogator, the “oh poor me,” and the aloft or withdrawn approach. If one tactic doesn’t work they will try another until they wear you down and break you, and you re-act in one of three different ways according to your imprinting and programming. You either fight, (that you can’t win) run, or you just give in to their demands to stop the conflict. In doing any of these you give them your power.
Reincarnation & Karma
Before we reincarnate, we choose what parts of our Essence we want to heal and recover, and the experiences we need in order to do that. Of course all this is forgotten soon after birth, and we need to plod our way through life, pondering why things happen to us and for what reason.
Karma is an Eastern term that describes the experience of things happening in our lives that seem to be repeated, albeit in different forms, places and times. Karma is not a bad thing even though the experiences may be unpleasant and undesired, they are in fact, what we need to address and heal as part of our earthly sojourn. Once we make the connection that our experiences are directly related to our purpose, then our life begins to change. We begin to see things in a different light and ask questions like who, what, where, when, why and how. Of course for every answer you get you also get ten more questions, so the journey takes us deeper into discovering and remembering who really we are and what our purpose is.
To follow or not to follow
It’s easy to say, but it’s also one of the most difficult things to do, as it goes against all your imprints and programs of wanting to fit in, to be accepted and loved and not be shunned, scorned and attacked for being different. Religion, politics, and customs and traditions are key elements that we feel forced to adhere to as best we can to minimize conflict.
We long for a community, for others that think, feel, and do as we do, where there is commonality. BUT in that, is also the death creating unseen role of denial as it locks you in to following the crowd, and not being the individual, the you that would deviate from the “normal,” as you fear to stand out and be noticed and shunned and rejected.
Another way to say it is that you are giving more energy to “denying” your fears, than in facing and healing them… So the reflection (reality) you create and experience are your denials and NOT your desires. Once you have truly faced and healed your fears (shadows) at the causal level, your outer reality also changes, and what was a fear and issue, no longer is.
Saying that is easy, doing it is quite another thing as it’s something that you have NEVER done before, or you wouldn’t be having the outer reflections you do. Ending your denial of a particular fear or issue also allows you to feel what unconditional love really feels like, and not what you presently believe it is based on some religious rhetoric.
Religion and politics (government) are the two major players that control your life through the social illusion that they have the “authority” to make rules, laws, and conditions that “others” must follow. They both control your physical life, mentally, emotionally and physically. The government controls your physical activities through laws, rules, taxes, etc., while religion has rules and conditions that you must adhere to ensure that when you physically die, that you will have a happy afterlife.
You are lead to believe that you must accept their “authority” over you, to unquestionably follow their instructions and have faith that “they” know what is good for you. If you don’t follow your various governments’ rules, conditions and orders, you will be harassed, intimated, incarcerated or even put to death. If you don’t follow your religions voice of “authority,” they would have you believe that your Soul and Spirit will be dammed in the afterlife.
I was thinking that the main issue in healing that Empaths have in empowering themselves is their religious beliefs. I was going to say that the second thing is seeing and knowing what denial is, but as I thought that, I knew it also related to their religious beliefs that had to do with love and what a loving person is. As long as you belief that denial (of self expression) is love, you are, as the saying goes, “Screwed, glued and tattooed.” Even if you are an atheist or agnostic, that doesn’t mean that you don’t have any religious beliefs, it’s just that your beliefs are opposed to organized religion. You were raised in a society where people had religious beliefs, customs and traditions, and your parents, and their parents and so on. All were imprinted and programmed with beliefs of what is loving or not, moral standards, and codes of behavior, etc.
The second thing that controls you is the various forms of government and their agencies. If you are not a so-called “conspiracy theorist,” then you aren’t even aware of the blatant social denials that are in politics and government, military, media, food, medical, big business, etc., etc. If you can’t see the obvious lies, denials, and deception going on in your outer reality, it’s even harder to begin to see your own lies and denials, and how you are deceiving yourself. It’s far easier to pick up on what others are, or are not saying or doing, than it is with yourself. It’s sad to think that over 95% of the population is so brainwashed and in denial that they can’t see the obvious and blatant lies and denials in their outer reality (religion and politics) that is controlling them. The irony is that in ending ones denials, one begins to break away from both these illusions that control us, and that we call natural, a way of life, and the way things are.
When I got home from my vacation, I received a surprise in the mail… a photo radar speeding ticket (101 kph in a 80 kph and $130) that I got just outside Regina back on June 30, that was issued on July 11. Of course I’m not going to pay it and I’m firing off the following letter (email) to the RCMP… Since the security classification is non-sensitive, I feel I can mention names…
Attn: Cpl. Tran Davies,
Re: File – 2017891332
Without prejudice.
This is to inform you that there is no way that I will “voluntarily” agree to this traffic ticket and the conditions it sets forth, as that violates my rights as a sovereign citizen and human being. I have no recollection of what the posted speed limit was, or the driving conditions at the TIME of the so-called traffic infraction, as I was just following the flow of traffic. If a police officer had personally stopped me, then I would be aware of the surroundings and if I was indeed speeding or not. As it stands, I have only your corporations photo radar data and the official CERTIFIED testimony of your paid employee (OLWENY, SHAWNA MARIE) that issued the ticket that I was speeding. Also, the so-called infraction was, as indicated on the black bar photo (photoshop?) was on 2017 June 30, yet the ticket was not issued until 2017 July 11. I physically received the ticket when I arrived home on 2017 July 21.
The threatening wordage and tone of this OFFENSE NOTICE has all the ear markings of an impersonal, righteous, and judgmental psychopaths that demand strict obedience and compliance to self-directed law and order without question, all the while demanding payment and other threatening action if payment is not received in a timely manner. As an out-of-province driver and visitor to the province, I suspect that I (and others) are easy prey to what I consider a money scam, as who is going to travel thousands of kilometers to challenge your robotic and impersonal machine that is incapable of answering my questions other than what (it) was programmed to print, if indeed it did print what is presented on the photo. Of course in court, (which I am unwilling to attend as that is a three day drive) you, as a paid employee of a corporation acting as an agent for another corporation, the province of Saskatchewan, and on behalf of, and representing her majesty, “the queen,” would appoint another bureaucratic human being to espouse the virtues and outstanding job that the photo radar robot is doing to protect the lives of highway workers and the safety of other motorists. As well, they would cite various rules, laws and other bureaucratic jargon to justify your (and their) corporate authority and right to rule. Since bureaucrats are not subject to the same laws and punishment as the “common folk” when it comes to truth and personal responsibility for ones words and actions, what would not be discussed is the real intent, and how much money this scam makes for the corporations.
What I’ve noticed in my travels, not only in Saskatchewan but also in Alberta and BC, was that the posted speed limit signage in construction zones was up and down like the toilet seat at a political convention. Dropping by as much as 50 kph, with no signs that there had ever been any construction in the area, and no equipment or workers to even indicate future activity. Other times, construction was visible but not active, yet speed limits would fluctuate between 110, 80, 60, 100, 50, 70, 40, or whatever the whim of the one posting them, and sometimes the signs would be only a few car lengths apart. Sometimes there was evidence that construction had occurred in the past and was now complete, but the signs had not been removed. Other times, construction speed limit signs were posted 5 to 10 kilometers before the actual construction zone, slowing down traffic for no reason. Of course, there were also instances where real flagmen/women, machinery, and workers were present.
If motorists were to adhere to the strict letter of the law and follow this idiotic speed limit pattern, they would have to panic stop to slow down to the posted limit and then accelerate at an unreasonable rate of speed to follow the next posted limit. This type of driving is not only dangerous, but is also in direct contravention to your stated directive and attributes of using photo radar to protect highway workers and the safety of other motorists. Signs should be posted, (as they once were) to allow motorists to slow down and speed up in a natural and safe manner. This blatant inconsistency sends up red flags that something is amiss and needs to be addressed, but of course, as I’m addressing bureaucrats just doing their job and following orders, I doubt anything will change.
As stated, this statement is without prejudice and just my opinion.
By: John Rieger, Agent for JOHN J RIEGER
PS: In the covering letter, it states… “If you decide to voluntarily pay the fine or you are convicted, this conviction will not appear on your drivers abstract nor will any demerit points be assessed.” Yet at the bottom (right side) of the offense notice you issue this WARNING, that (B) YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE WILL BE SUBJECT TO NON-RENEWAL OR SUSPENSION OR BOTH.
Yet another contradiction…
I’ve decided to take a little road trip out West to see my family and be there for my mother’s 92nd birthday. It’s been five years since I’ve been out West, and in the past two and a half years (since my motor vehicle accident) all the visiting I’ve done is to see my Doctors, Physiotherapists, Chiropractors, massage, and hearing specialists.
I’d like to take my canoe and get in a little paddling in Northern Ontario, but that is still out of the question. Instead, I might do a little hiking and get back into my photography. I’m packing my camping gear and hope to get a few nights sleeping under the stars.
I know I have been lax in posting, and I have to admit, it won’t get any better in the next few weeks while I’m on the road, but I’m taking my laptop with me and will post when I get the chance. Until then…
I’m in the process of compiling the material I have for my next book, (The Empaths Dilemma) and I thought I’d join a couple of Empath and a lightworkers groups, just to get a feel for what is happening, as it’s been years since I’ve been in any group. I was “removed” from both Empath groups, but re-instated in one. I made a few posts and commented on others, but I have to say that I felt that only two or three people were at what I would call their “quickeing” stage, where I could feel the lights in their Mind and Heart flicker. The rest are still asleep, although all would disagree. Unfortunately, the ones that were open, happened to be in the group that I was deleted from without even a warning.
Sad to say, it’s really no different than what was going around 25 years ago. Light workers are still sending out love and light, and Empaths are busy grounding and protecting themselves.. and both are asking for prayers and energy. I feel that the biggest obstacles people in both groups have is –
(1) They still cling to their religious beliefs, and as such, they think they KNOW what love is, oblivious to the role that denial plays.
(2) They also cling to what they have been taught, either an alternative healing modality, or recycled “quick fix” solutions.
(3) All are afraid to stray from the herd, as they feel safe and supported.
So tonight, I silently removed myself from the groups and will focus on gathering the material for my book.
This meme is floating around the internet and it is hogwash, NOT that it isn’t a truth, but that it’s NOT a social truth, far from it. People are socially imprinted and programmed to label (judge) people, places and things. They give other people status and authority and then kowtow or worship them. The pope, Dalai Lama, priest, minister, the Queen, president, a politician, a movie star, singer, sports player, policeman, soldier, fireman, guard, CEO, teacher, manager, supervisor, etc, etc. These are all people that we put ahead of ourselves, that we think and say have more worth or value.
But wait – there is more! What about the labels you put on yourself. The irony is that in our brain-washed “altered” EGO state of Being, we try to be like, or at least, associate and identify ourselves with the idols we worship. I AM a Christian, I AM a Catholic, I AM a Anglican, I AM a democrat, I AM a Jennifer Lopez fan, I AM a Boston Celtics fan, I AM a patriot and support our troops, I AM Pro life, and the list goes on an on. All these I AM labels separates people and creates inner conflict, as always there will be people better or more important than you. The irony is that religion and even New Agers, put on this false bravado and rhetoric that we are all the same and equal., which is a part-truth, but what is not said, what is denied and already imprinted and programmed into our Minds is that some are more equal than others.
And now, we get to the interesting part. Because you identify yourself with another person that you think is above you; as soon as anyone says anything that appears to attack what you idolize and worship, your “altered” Ego thinks it’s a personal attack and gets it’s Belief Systems (BS) brain cells firing at anything it sees as a threat.
BUT THERE IS MORE….. Now on a more personal level, all this came about with my activation on my previous post .. and removing the labels I had placed on others and myself, is part and parcel of working on healing my shame issues
On Saturday night, I got a PM from the person in the group that I had spoken to previously. They said they had just chatted with the Admin of the group and that he said I wasn’t blocked. I went back to the site and tried to post a comment, and I was allowed. Next, I posted an image meme and that also went through. It’s funny that someone inquiring if I was blocked and the Admin saying I wasn’t, was enough to change my status and allow me to post. It’s Magic.
Today, Sunday I posted a couple of more Meme topics and had a couple of good discussions. Also today, In a different group, I had a discussion with a young woman on Spiritual energy attachments, how they are created, and how to remove them. At the end, she made the following comment.
<quote> It’s amazing how something seems so obvious to you normally, but combined with emotional issues, how suddenly your knowledge and understanding of how things should work go out the window. You clearing this path for me is much appreciated and needed. Endless thanks. <end quote>
I found it fulfilling that someone was able to grasp what I was sharing, and also see how their actions had created the situation that they were oblivious to, but now saw clearly.
A couple of days ago, I posted a comment on a Facebook Empath group I’m in, and another member started posting (copy and paste) dogma from books that he had read regarding on clearing your energy field. The material he was sharing was old school material that has been around for at least 30 years, and either doesn’t work, or is a temporary quick fix as I have been there done that, tried them. He argued that since he was a “trained professional” with “credentials” he knew what he was talking about. I challenged him, stating that it was simply book knowledge and that if he had ever tried to apply the methods he was presenting, like, smudging, crystals, salt, bubble of protection, mantras, etc. he would know that they don’t offer a permanent solution. I explained that I had tried those methods years ago, and that what I’m sharing is what I have personally experienced and does work, permanently, and in any situation.
My last comment was that this discussion was good in that it showed others the difference between rhetorical book knowledge with no personal application or experience, verses information based on personal experience.
Well the next morning, I posted another picture and comment, and waited for admin approval. By 6pm, it still hadn’t appeared on the site. What I also noticed was that neither were there any comments on the previous threads I had posted on. I got the feeling that I’ve been blocked on interacting, as all that I see are posts that are days old. I never received a PM from the Admin stating there was a problem with the content of my posts.
It appears that any conflicting or opposing ideas disturbs the status quo and is a no-no. It’s too bad as while there were a few people that were clueing in to what I was sharing, the “Administration” obviously didn’t like it. It’s not really any different than a few years ago, except that now, a few more people were conscious to what I was saying and were actually interacting. Maybe I’m being paranoid and there’s something wrong with Facebook or their page.
On Saturday, I chatted with a person still in the group, and they said everything was fine and normal, so that means I’m history.
A couple of days ago, I was outside, on the other side of my apartment building, talking to a woman tenant, when the man that lives between us walked by. I said, ”Hi,” but he never acknowledged me, and just walking with his head down. I felt he was ticked off at me as I was sure he heard me. We used to chat and tell jokes last fall, but over winter, I only saw him a few times on the street and we never talked. With spring coming and spending more time outside, I’d see him having a cigarette in the back yard, but when he’d see me, he’d turn and go back inside, At first I just thought he had finished and was naturally going in, but a couple of times, I called out to him but he never answered back. So this meeting today was a sure sign that something was amiss.
So the next day, when I heard him in his apartment, I went around and knocked on his door. After the third knock, he answered with a hostile,”What do you want?”
I asked, “Do you have a problem with me, as you feel you are ignoring me and angry about something?”
He angrily replied, “Do you want a problem?
I said, “Whoa, so you do have a problem with me. What’s up?”
He barked, “If you want one you can have one?” as he postured himself to make himself look bigger than he was.
I knew there was no talking to him in his denied rage, so I turned to leave and he, snarled, “You’re the one who knocked on my door, I didn’t knock on yours. You stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine.”
I didn’t say anything as I walked around the corner and then around the building to see the landlord and his helper, that was working in the apartment of the man that had recently died. I told them what had just happened and asked if they knew why he was angry at me. They looked surprised and said they never heard anything from him. We left it at that. What the hell is going on?
The other day I met a woman on Facebook that was in a group I was in. She liked my posts and comments and contacted me, and we chatted for over two hours. She’s an attractive 45 year old widow, with three grown children. She lives in the US; is an artist, musician, dancer, and was a child actor. She owns her own home and her father runs a new age church and her mother has her business.
We got talking about relationships and she made a comment that age doesn’t matter, and with the other comments and questions, and I got the feeling that she was interested in me. As we chatted, I noticed and felt shame coming up for me. Feeling that I wasn’t good enough, not talented, not popular, not good looking, no money, no home, too old and the list goes on and on.
These shame feelings and judgments that I was experiencing now were similar to the shame I had in my childhood. On top of that, I also remembered being shamed by my mother if a girl showed interest in me. I took her shame comments as having a girlfriend was a bad thing and that I was wrong and bad. This was also associated with my religious beliefs at the time that you had to honor your father and mother and they knew what was good for you.
The next day, I spoke with her again and thanked her for activating me into my shame and childhood memories, and that I was working on it. We chatted off and on, but we never got into any lengthy discussion.