Monthly Archives: December 2014

Says 168 – The unseen role of denial in guilt and shame

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When purchasing the Hyundai Santa Fe, the saleswoman asked me for the copy of the company web page I had brought along, showing the Santa Fe. I saw her then show them to the others she had discussions with that were out of earshot. It wasn’t until she placed the file folder she was carrying on her desk that I noticed the price in the top right hand corner that was higher that what she had quoted me and had agreed upon. While I suspected what had happened, she and they never admitted it or approached me, which was denial on their part. In their denial, they also gave me no choice, as the matter was not up for discussion, unless of course, I listened to Guilt and Shame that were now on me, once I had this realization. They were not there before, and that I was a clue for me that there was more to this experience.

guilt-300x299However, Guilt and shame were on me, but I also knew that if I listened to them, I’d be in denial. Guilt and Shame are not of my Essence, and wold have me try to save and make things right for the people and company that was in denial, and denied anything was wrong. Guilt and Shame would have me try to CONTROL them, to make them tell the truth and end their denials.

It’s not my job or responsibility to CONTROL or FORCE people to end their denials as that is their choice… Trying to do so, even if it benefits me, only puts me back into the same old world of denial that I am slowly breaking out of. I never saw the role that Guilt and Shame played in the unseen role of denial, it’s subtle, using guile and cunning, like the Inner Critic, to get you back into being in denial by being, nice, kind, caring, sharing, co-operative, compromising, loving, yadda yadda.

On Dec. 16 I picked up my vehicle and talked to the saleswoman that had sold me it. When I asked if there was an error on the web page pricing, she told me yes, big time.. but that they felt obligated to let me have it at that price including the $1,000.00 discount. I then told her how Guilt and Shame were on me to refuse the deal, or to not take the $1,000.00 discount, or to buy the drivetrain protection package, even though I didn’t think I needed it. She assured me that it was not my fault and that I was just lucky, in the right place at the right time.. I laughed and said, that yes, even the accident was lucky.. or I wouldn’t be here.. She told me to get in and drive away before the owner changes his mind..

Sin will find you outAn imprint, program and belief I have that empowers GUILT and SHAME are my old RELIGIOUS teachings that of being a SINNER.. Holy F**K …. as any presence of GUILT and SHAME would mean that I was dammed in HELL.. That I disobeyed God, and would be punished.. Even if I was innocent.. GUILT and SHAME have set themselves up to be judge, jury and executioner and a FALSE form of LOVE… Ah HA!!… Just flashed to my family being excommunicated by the Catholic Church when I was in Grade 7 because I refused to go to confession at school on Monday…as I had been to confession on Sunday (Mother’s Orders) and I had nothing to confess…Later, I had a lot of guilt and shame on me, that things would have been okay if I had just lied and did what they asked..

Says 167 – Lesson in Life… Vehicle accident purpose – 2

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The second part of having the accident has to do with healing my body and my physical injuries. After my accident on Dec. 03, I was taken to the hospital and after an ultra sound and a few X-rays, I was released. On Dec. 05, I had an appointment to see my doctor that lasted all of three minutes. After a brief exam, she said to take it easy and to take Tylenol for any pain. Later she had her receptionist call me to say that my hearing issues were related to having a mild concussion.
For the next few days I suffered with my aches and pains getting worse, and I was only getting about three hours sleep . When I got my insurance claim forms I dropped in to the Doctors office to have them filled out so that I could begin to get physiotherapy or whatever I needed, and said I’d pick them up later. The receptionist informed me that I needed an appointment and that the earliest was on Dec. 12.
woman-doctor-24145108I saw the doctor on Dec. 12 and when I began telling her of the issues I was having, and showing her that I had little strength in both hands, she coolly asked me if I wanted to fill out the forms or discuss my issues. I said, “WTF!” and not in a polite way. I have a concussion, headache, loss of healing, whiplash, and other aches and pains and you give me this bullshit.” I then said that I had called a lawyer to begin proceedings for a pain and suffering claim. She interrupted me and said, we’ll do the form later, let me see your hands.
After an brief examination, she filled out a hospital requisition form for X-rays on both my hands and wrists as she said that I might have fractured or dislocated some small bones in my wrist. She also gave me a form to see about getting physiotherapy and massage for my whiplash and the other aches and pains. I have my first physiotherapy treatment on Monday Dec. 15 and I see her again on Dec. 18.

This issue is also related to the accident, but this time it’s about loving my Body and speaking up and NOT TRUSTING a so-called professional that you ASSUME is looking after your best interests. I need to take responsibility for how my Body feels and get the help I need to heal it regardless of what other people might say or think., or are offended by my directness.

Says 166 – Lesson in Life… Vehicle accident and new vehicle purpose – 1

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Doing a little catch up here, not completely, but an important experience.
On Dec 03, A woman went through a red light and I T-boned her GMC Yukon with my 2000 Honda CRV. I was taken to hospital, X-rayed and released.
Honda
Now to my story……..

Well I’m slowly finding out what the car accident was all about, and that it was yet another step in healing and also in manifesting.. The woman that ran the red light had no intent to run it, and to cause me pain and suffering, it was just a momentary lapse of awareness, and it happened because it was meant to happen, for her benefit and mine, although at the time, it didn’t feel that way, and that is because there is more to it, things that had to unfold, to be experienced.

Now the medical system and the insurance company added to my plight and during all this I felt I had no choice, and that I had to just accept what happened as fate, what I deserved for whatever reason.. The insurance company doing their best to reimburse me as little as possible. BTW, in all this self hatred, guilt and shame had no voice, and this is interesting as I will now get to that.

For days, I searched the internet (Kijiji) and after some 90 possible vehicles, and 9 different makes, I decided on three, Hyundai, Mitisubishi and Honda Element, and then narrowed it down to 2005-2006.. Before I contacted any, I looked to see what the car dealers had in Woodstock, and just to see how it felt, I test drove a 2007 Hyundi that was way over priced… On Dec. 11, I contacted the dealer selling a 2006 Hyundai and made arrangements to see the following day.

Now we get to the next phase. Little did I know that it just so happened, that another person in the scheme of things, also had a momentary lapse in awareness and had entered the retail price of the 2006 Santa Fe wrong. Instead of $7,995, they entered $5,995. That mistake didn’t cause me pain an suffering, in fact, the reverse. Now to add to this, the sales lady never picked up on the error, and also offered me an additional $1,000 off the vehicle.. It was only when she pulled the file to write it up my purchase, that she spotted the error.

She said we had to wait for the accountant to come back from lunch, so while I waited, she was talking to other staff. She also asked if she could see the copy of the company web page I had printed and taken with me that showed the listed price, that I had previously shown her. I didn’t know what was going on until later, when she put the folder on her desk and I saw the price in the top right had corner. I was confused and didn’t ask, and she didn’t say anything was wrong, so when the accountant came in, I signed on the dotted line and gave them a deposit. My vehicle had yet to be safetied and e-tested and I was told it would be ready on Tuesday.
Hyundai

Now when I left the dealer, GUILT and SHAME were all over me, saying I was bad, that what I did was wrong, that I should go back and make things right. That I was stealing, that someone is going to get into trouble if I didn’t, and yadda yadda yadda. As all this was going on, I knew I had no intent to steal, and I also had no intent to do as GUILT and SHAME wanted me to do and that was to SAVE another or to reimburse the company. Guilt is NOT love or loving..

I find it amazing how the universe responds when you ask to heal your issues and move forward. It might not be in the way you think it should be, and it will be painful, BUT, if you look deeper, you always find the hidden gem, the part of you that now is set free. In this case, that I deserve to be happy, and that I am not responsible to make other people happy, and that what they do, or don’t do is their choice. Everything happens for a reason, and of the 90 vehicles I could have looked at, this happened with the very first one I was really interested in and bought. Coincidence.. NOT 🙂

PS:
More realizations are coming up. The dealer and its employees did what they did and sold me the vehicle, either because they were afraid I would sue them, or they genuinely felt that I deserved a break. It’s not for me to question their decision or to alter it as GUILT would have me do, but to accept it as their choice… And that it’s my choice not to follow GUILT as some misguided form of love, of being nice, kind, considerate, compromising, ethics, principles, morality, righteousness, or religious values and judgments etc, etc..

11:45 am While my first thought about having the accident was that I had no choice, that I was the innocent victim, when I really think and feel into it, I realize that (on a Spiritual level) I made an agreement with the woman to have the accident and she with me. Not that the accident was the lesson, but that it would open the doors for what I needed to touch and heal.. So instead of blaming the woman, what I now feel is gratitude and love…

For those that don’t really know me, what I’m doing here is sharing my healing process and journey.. The trials and tribulations I need to go through before I “get it” and am able to move on to the next mountain I need to climb..