Tag Archives: shame

Says 284 – Labels – Social and Personal

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This meme is floating around the internet and it is hogwash, NOT that it isn’t a truth, but that it’s NOT a social truth, far from it. People are socially imprinted and programmed to label (judge) people, places and things. They give other people status and authority and then kowtow or worship them. The pope, Dalai Lama, priest, minister, the Queen, president, a politician, a movie star, singer, sports player, policeman, soldier, fireman, guard, CEO, teacher, manager, supervisor, etc, etc. These are all people that we put ahead of ourselves, that we think and say have more worth or value.

But wait –  there is more! What about the labels you put on yourself. The irony is that in our brain-washed “altered” EGO state of Being, we try to be like, or at least, associate and identify ourselves with the idols we worship. I AM a Christian, I AM a Catholic, I AM a Anglican, I AM a democrat, I AM a Jennifer Lopez fan, I AM a Boston Celtics fan, I AM a patriot and support our troops, I AM Pro life, and the list goes on an on. All these I AM labels separates people and creates inner conflict, as always there will be people better or more important than you. The irony is that religion and even New Agers, put on this false bravado and rhetoric that we are all the same and equal., which is a part-truth, but what is not said, what is denied and already imprinted and programmed into our Minds is that some are more equal than others.

And now, we get to the interesting part. Because you identify yourself with another person that you think is above you; as soon as anyone says anything that appears to attack what you idolize and worship, your “altered” Ego thinks it’s a personal attack and gets it’s Belief Systems (BS) brain cells firing at anything it sees as a threat.

BUT THERE IS MORE….. Now on a more personal level, all this came about with my activation on my previous post ..  and removing the labels I had placed on others and myself, is part and parcel of working on healing my shame issues

Says 280 – Activated into Shame Issues

Says 280 – Activated into Shame Issues

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The other day I met a woman on Facebook that was in a group I was in. She liked my posts and comments and contacted me, and we chatted for over two hours. She’s an attractive 45 year old widow, with three grown children. She lives in the US; is an artist, musician, dancer, and was a child actor. She owns her own home and her father runs a new age church and her mother has her business.

We got talking about relationships and she made a comment that age doesn’t matter, and with  the other comments and questions, and I got the feeling that she was interested in me. As we chatted, I noticed and felt shame coming up for me. Feeling that I wasn’t good enough, not talented, not popular, not good looking, no money, no home, too old and the list goes on and on.

These shame feelings and judgments that I was experiencing now were similar to the shame I had in my childhood. On top of that, I also remembered being shamed by my mother if a girl showed interest in me. I took her shame comments as having a girlfriend was a bad thing and that I was wrong and bad. This was also associated with my religious beliefs at the time that you had to honor your father and mother and they knew what was good for you.

The next day, I spoke with her again and thanked her for activating me into my shame and childhood memories, and that I was working on it.  We chatted off and on, but we never got into any lengthy discussion.

Says 249 – Denials an attachments ended – game over

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I’m not going to go into all the details that played themselves out over the past few months suffice to say that they all came to a head within three days.  What became clear was that she was not as helpless as she pretended to be, and that a lot of her lies, secrets, avoidance, omissions and denials were exposed for what they were.  She was not only playing me, but my son and daughter, her friends and even acquaintances on the internet.  She was acting out the “oh poor me” and using whoever and whatever she could to get attention, even if it was negative, it was still attention. She is a self-centered self-absorbed Narcissist and an energy vampire. Her house of cards is crumbling and her reality is quickly changing. As I now see it, she has two choices;

  • take responsibly for her thoughts and actions and make the positive changes or,
  • Remain the narcissist and nothing changes.

It will be interesting to see what develops in the coming months now that her little game has blown up in her face.

Attachments that are OBVIOUS are easy to spot and release, but it’s the little issues that you don’t see that still form the attachment. In uncovering my attachments and ending my denials, I realized that as we were still on a friendly basis and since she is what is considered bi-polar, and has other illnesses, (judgments and attachments) and so I silently (in denial) put up with her blatant lies and denials, saying that is just the way she is, and instead, focused on trying to help her and find the good in her.

Not challenging her blatant denial, lies, omission and avoidance, as in not wanting to upset her, I was in denial and unconsciously allowed her to use those against me. The sick “twist” in all this is that at times she really needed help, but other times it was just a game and she was acting the “oh poor me” to get whatever power she could by knowing she was controlling the another being. The more I allowed, the more she used them against me in the form of getting me to do things for her that affected my time, energy and money, to the point that this past weekend, I saw exactly what she was doing and what I was allowing her to do, via the unseen role of denial, judgments and attachments. When I called her out on her denials and lies, and stated that I was finished helping her and empowering her “oh poor me” reality, our attachments were broken and I was free, while she was left to deal with her denials in your own way and to take, or not take, responsibility for her well being.

The unseen role of denial that I didn’t see with my ex-wife’s scenario was that in my Spirit (mind) and the Spirit polarity aspect of my Heart, that defines love by words and deeds and not by how it feels, thought that I was being kind, caring, sharing, considerate, compassionate, etc., etc., for those that I judged to be less fortunate.  That “less fortunate” judgment (that I now release) has an unloving aspect to it that of a false sense of pride, in that it silently and smugly deems me to be superior or better than, or in a better position than another. The opposite side of my outer judgments says that if I have judgments of being better than others, I must also have the judgment on self that I’m not as fortunate as good as some other people.

So the realization was that this doesn’t just apply to my ex-wife, but to everyone that I’m in contact with. The subtle judgments, the false pride, the trying to be nice, even to an asshole because he/she is drunk or on drugs or whatever, are all things that I need to release to really empower myself on all levels. How this played out in my outer reality was that my ex-wife was ACTING like she needed help and asking for it, either directly or indirectly. These weren’t an “in the moment” type situations or experiences of helping another that you could see and feel were in need of help, but on an attachment and judgment level based on past experiences and old imprints, programs and beliefs of what the person appeared to be going through and needing help with.

While this may seem like it’s not a big deal, I assure you it is, as guilt and shame are constantly at me, trying to get me to reverse my position, to be responsible and be the “nice” guy again.  Like I said, this isn’t just about my ex-wife, but how I respond to all that I come in contact with. It’s a new way of seeing that just because someone looks like they are the victim and in need of help, doesn’t mean that they are. They just play the “Oh poor me” game from another angle and don’t be fooled, it is effective. Besides the Oh poor me, the other major game players in the energy sucking power game are the intimidator, the interrogator, and the aloft.  Some are quite good at using two or more power plays to get what they want and will flip back and forth at easy. Recognizing them is the first step at ending their control over you. . It’s been a while since I read it, but I think these are outlined in the book, “Celestine Prophecy” by James Redfield.

Says 168 – The unseen role of denial in guilt and shame

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When purchasing the Hyundai Santa Fe, the saleswoman asked me for the copy of the company web page I had brought along, showing the Santa Fe. I saw her then show them to the others she had discussions with that were out of earshot. It wasn’t until she placed the file folder she was carrying on her desk that I noticed the price in the top right hand corner that was higher that what she had quoted me and had agreed upon. While I suspected what had happened, she and they never admitted it or approached me, which was denial on their part. In their denial, they also gave me no choice, as the matter was not up for discussion, unless of course, I listened to Guilt and Shame that were now on me, once I had this realization. They were not there before, and that I was a clue for me that there was more to this experience.

guilt-300x299However, Guilt and shame were on me, but I also knew that if I listened to them, I’d be in denial. Guilt and Shame are not of my Essence, and wold have me try to save and make things right for the people and company that was in denial, and denied anything was wrong. Guilt and Shame would have me try to CONTROL them, to make them tell the truth and end their denials.

It’s not my job or responsibility to CONTROL or FORCE people to end their denials as that is their choice… Trying to do so, even if it benefits me, only puts me back into the same old world of denial that I am slowly breaking out of. I never saw the role that Guilt and Shame played in the unseen role of denial, it’s subtle, using guile and cunning, like the Inner Critic, to get you back into being in denial by being, nice, kind, caring, sharing, co-operative, compromising, loving, yadda yadda.

On Dec. 16 I picked up my vehicle and talked to the saleswoman that had sold me it. When I asked if there was an error on the web page pricing, she told me yes, big time.. but that they felt obligated to let me have it at that price including the $1,000.00 discount. I then told her how Guilt and Shame were on me to refuse the deal, or to not take the $1,000.00 discount, or to buy the drivetrain protection package, even though I didn’t think I needed it. She assured me that it was not my fault and that I was just lucky, in the right place at the right time.. I laughed and said, that yes, even the accident was lucky.. or I wouldn’t be here.. She told me to get in and drive away before the owner changes his mind..

Sin will find you outAn imprint, program and belief I have that empowers GUILT and SHAME are my old RELIGIOUS teachings that of being a SINNER.. Holy F**K …. as any presence of GUILT and SHAME would mean that I was dammed in HELL.. That I disobeyed God, and would be punished.. Even if I was innocent.. GUILT and SHAME have set themselves up to be judge, jury and executioner and a FALSE form of LOVE… Ah HA!!… Just flashed to my family being excommunicated by the Catholic Church when I was in Grade 7 because I refused to go to confession at school on Monday…as I had been to confession on Sunday (Mother’s Orders) and I had nothing to confess…Later, I had a lot of guilt and shame on me, that things would have been okay if I had just lied and did what they asked..

Says 166 – Lesson in Life… Vehicle accident and new vehicle purpose – 1

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Doing a little catch up here, not completely, but an important experience.
On Dec 03, A woman went through a red light and I T-boned her GMC Yukon with my 2000 Honda CRV. I was taken to hospital, X-rayed and released.
Honda
Now to my story……..

Well I’m slowly finding out what the car accident was all about, and that it was yet another step in healing and also in manifesting.. The woman that ran the red light had no intent to run it, and to cause me pain and suffering, it was just a momentary lapse of awareness, and it happened because it was meant to happen, for her benefit and mine, although at the time, it didn’t feel that way, and that is because there is more to it, things that had to unfold, to be experienced.

Now the medical system and the insurance company added to my plight and during all this I felt I had no choice, and that I had to just accept what happened as fate, what I deserved for whatever reason.. The insurance company doing their best to reimburse me as little as possible. BTW, in all this self hatred, guilt and shame had no voice, and this is interesting as I will now get to that.

For days, I searched the internet (Kijiji) and after some 90 possible vehicles, and 9 different makes, I decided on three, Hyundai, Mitisubishi and Honda Element, and then narrowed it down to 2005-2006.. Before I contacted any, I looked to see what the car dealers had in Woodstock, and just to see how it felt, I test drove a 2007 Hyundi that was way over priced… On Dec. 11, I contacted the dealer selling a 2006 Hyundai and made arrangements to see the following day.

Now we get to the next phase. Little did I know that it just so happened, that another person in the scheme of things, also had a momentary lapse in awareness and had entered the retail price of the 2006 Santa Fe wrong. Instead of $7,995, they entered $5,995. That mistake didn’t cause me pain an suffering, in fact, the reverse. Now to add to this, the sales lady never picked up on the error, and also offered me an additional $1,000 off the vehicle.. It was only when she pulled the file to write it up my purchase, that she spotted the error.

She said we had to wait for the accountant to come back from lunch, so while I waited, she was talking to other staff. She also asked if she could see the copy of the company web page I had printed and taken with me that showed the listed price, that I had previously shown her. I didn’t know what was going on until later, when she put the folder on her desk and I saw the price in the top right had corner. I was confused and didn’t ask, and she didn’t say anything was wrong, so when the accountant came in, I signed on the dotted line and gave them a deposit. My vehicle had yet to be safetied and e-tested and I was told it would be ready on Tuesday.
Hyundai

Now when I left the dealer, GUILT and SHAME were all over me, saying I was bad, that what I did was wrong, that I should go back and make things right. That I was stealing, that someone is going to get into trouble if I didn’t, and yadda yadda yadda. As all this was going on, I knew I had no intent to steal, and I also had no intent to do as GUILT and SHAME wanted me to do and that was to SAVE another or to reimburse the company. Guilt is NOT love or loving..

I find it amazing how the universe responds when you ask to heal your issues and move forward. It might not be in the way you think it should be, and it will be painful, BUT, if you look deeper, you always find the hidden gem, the part of you that now is set free. In this case, that I deserve to be happy, and that I am not responsible to make other people happy, and that what they do, or don’t do is their choice. Everything happens for a reason, and of the 90 vehicles I could have looked at, this happened with the very first one I was really interested in and bought. Coincidence.. NOT 🙂

PS:
More realizations are coming up. The dealer and its employees did what they did and sold me the vehicle, either because they were afraid I would sue them, or they genuinely felt that I deserved a break. It’s not for me to question their decision or to alter it as GUILT would have me do, but to accept it as their choice… And that it’s my choice not to follow GUILT as some misguided form of love, of being nice, kind, considerate, compromising, ethics, principles, morality, righteousness, or religious values and judgments etc, etc..

11:45 am While my first thought about having the accident was that I had no choice, that I was the innocent victim, when I really think and feel into it, I realize that (on a Spiritual level) I made an agreement with the woman to have the accident and she with me. Not that the accident was the lesson, but that it would open the doors for what I needed to touch and heal.. So instead of blaming the woman, what I now feel is gratitude and love…

For those that don’t really know me, what I’m doing here is sharing my healing process and journey.. The trials and tribulations I need to go through before I “get it” and am able to move on to the next mountain I need to climb..

Says 40 – Lost hopes, dreams, desires and innocence

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2012 April 9 Lost hopes, dreams and desires are directly related to experiences where you had the opportunity to fulfill those dreams and desires, but you were either denied having the experience, or you denied it yourself. As much as you now hope and long for another opportunity to re-live the experience as you would like to do things differently, it’s also futile, as that moment has passed and things have changed. It’s is impossible to even pretend and deny that the original experience never happened. Even knowing that you have a second chance, doesn’t make it the original experience, as you already have that imprint, program and belief, that it is a lost hope, dream and desire, that was put in place from the original denied experience.

With that realization comes the feelings of heartbreak, as well as anger and rage at yourself for being held back, or for holding yourself back. While these feelings and emotions are quick to surface, what is harder to reach and also the most important is your denied terror, and why you felt your terror was correct at that time, in denying the experience.

What brought this topic up was my remembering a few experiences in my early adolescence. While I was curious about girls and wanted to talk with them and be friends, I was also afraid that I was bad or that others would think that I was bad. The reason behind those thoughts was due in part to my religious upbringing and my mother, and secondly was the result of being bullied and not wanting to say or do anything that would give others a reason to attack me. This was my terror that I denied, and as such, I denied any experiences where I had the desire to do so.
Now, decades later, I wonder what would have happened if? If I had done that, if I had said that, and hundreds of other if’s. Guilt and shame were also involved in keeping me from the experiences I was curious about and desired. This is also associated with lost innocence, innocence that I denied, and now, lost youth, as I’m now decades older, and I can’t relive my youth….or at least, that is my present belief.

It’s interesting that I added that as an afterthought as that thought came from nowhere. So maybe there is a way to heal all this and to reclaim lost innocence and fulfill my lost hopes, dreams and desires.

As I’m writing this, I’m feeling over whelmed at all that I have lost. I have very few memories of my childhood, adolescence, teen and even adult life. Not like some people I know that can remember minute details and even the exact date. What I do remember mostly are things associated with lost hopes, dreams and desires. I’m realizing that I was either living in the past, heartbroken and angry over what I had experienced, or I was in terror of what was awaiting me in the future. As such, I had very little of my conscious presence fully in the present moment.